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It's already been 14 days since all of us entered into the new year.

I can't help but reminisce about the past year. It amazes me that how life could change without you even realizing it. One day, you were in a funk, and the next thing you know, you're starting a brand new life.

It's a frightening journey for some, as you dont have a clue what to expect when you're trying to start anew. But that is what you should be expecting, when everyday you pray that turn over a new leaf and refresh the life you live in. Exciting.

Krishnamurti once said;

"In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself."


I guess we are more powerful and more lucky than we thought we ever will be.

Incapabilities of tracing the time...

Bob Dylan once said, "The times they are a-changin".

I do believe that change is inevitable as time goes by. We morphed into a new realm of being as time goes by. It's just nature taking its course, and its just not right for us to deny change within ourselves.

But, I do understand that it's really hard to embrace change. You know how it's like, whenever you meet your old friends, and start to talk about your other friends.


"Dia dah lain dah.Tak macam dulu.Banyak berubah. Tak best lah lepak ngan dia".

Or

"Dia macam tu jugak. Dari dulu sampai skarang, tak berubah. Cool gila".


To me, you just can't despise another person just because he changed. Change is not necessarily bad. I mean, if a person grew up and become a whole other person, doesn't mean he's not cool, or he's not part of the gang anymore. Maybe he, or she, has a new perspective in life, and a new set of priorities that will in fact be the epitome of his or her existence.

The point is, you can't escape change. Sooner or later, you have to embrace the fact, that like Dylan said, time is changing, and so do you.


The only constant is change. I truly believe it's true.

How much further up you can go...

When people ask me, what is the best thing about being in a boarding school, I would say it's the part where I learn how to be independent and respectful.

I mean, of course you have friends, you have your teachers, and you have other things for that matter. But the most satisfying part is when you learn how to surivive by yourself and leaving your "spoilt-bratness" behind. The best thing is, you learn to be humble, as you want to learn on how to live your life by yourself, and at the same time, avoiding the bashing you might get from the seniors if you get too comfortable. Some might call it cowardness, but that's a kind of survival you might encounter in the real world anyway.

But after exiting the school, and entering a new domain in colleges and universities, followed by career life, some might have forgotten how to put those feet back on the ground.

As time goes by, some might be a little bit pompous. Sometimes, intentionally, and sometimes, unintentionally. It's like, every conversation revolves around careers, valued posessions ( cars are number 1 on the list), or even holiday destinations. Comparing on salaries and earnings, or one's importance to the organisations they're working with.

I just hope that one day realization will struck in, that it's better to put your feet on the ground than floating high up in the sky. Because frankly, if you fall from up there, it's gonna hurt big time my friends..


Maybe it's time to wake up. Humility is a good start.

It's that time of year again....

It's Ramadan again.

I have fond memories during Ramadan. I think everyone has one memorable Ramadan moment in their lifetime. In fact, to be honest, I think everybody deserves one.

I mean, think of it. It doesnt come by often. Ramadan only comes once a year. And it's the Holy Month. You need something to make you remember how meanigful Ramadan is. You have to feel it. Ramadan, to me, is that special.

I used to dislike Ramadan. Not because of the fasting (I love fasting), but because the fact that after Ramadan, is Syawal. And to me, Syawal is the most painful month to live in, because it was suppose to be a happy month. You're suppose to enjoy yourself. You're suppose to embrace the joys and wonders of Aidilfitri.

Well, at that time, without my dad, who had just passed away, Aidilfitri meant nothing to me. No happiness, no joy..nothing. I hated the fact that I have to put on this smile, when deep inside, I was dying. Dying for some more time with my dad.

So I never celebrated Aidilfitri for quite some time. I never bought new clothes, new shoes, nothing. Once, I even wore a raggedy old T-shirt that says "Belia Bagan Datoh" with my sarong to perform the Aidilfitri prayers. I was so anti-celebration back then. I could not wait for Aidilfitri to end.


But that was then. Things change. People change. And so do I. Happy Aidilfitri everybody.

The time has come..

I still remember when I was a kid, I can't wait to get old. No judgements, no boundaries, no rules. You do something, and it's all you from there.

Time flies. I realize that I am getting old. Because;

You know you're getting old, when your mum calls you, and the main topic is politics..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer to shave your head, rather than to comb your hair..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer your perfume to be Brut, rather than Tommy or DKNY..

You know you're getting old, when occasionally you have those short-term-memory-lapse moments, which results in an abrupt ending to a coversation in hand..

You know you're getting old, when you constantly check on your savings and financial balance, as if your life depend on it..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer to watch Deadliest Catch or Ice Road Truckers on Discovery, rather than anything on MTV..

You know you're getting old, when some kid who looks like she's in primary school called you pakcik, eventhough you wore a rock t-shirt..

You know you're getting old, when you manage to strain your neck or hurt your back, by just a sneeze or a cough..


But come to think of it, getting old is not that bad. In a way, it shows that we've matured.And at the same time, being more consistent in our thoughts and decisions.


At least that's what I told myself. It sounds better that way.

Dispensable Eventualities...

Is it possible that a man's passion can be ripped of him because of the repercussions of the tasks he pursued?

Is it possible for an ambition to be torn apart because of some humility presented by the owner of that dream?

Is it possible that a desire to succeed can be turned into an antagonistic twist-of-faith by the insecurities rewarded from the truth that resided in an unshameful manner?

Is it possible for a will to live the dream be shattered by a sombre mood of egoistical proportions?

Is it possible?

Is it?

Because I really don't wanna know the answers for I'm not budging from anything yet. Besides, I have something to look forward to everyday, and I have something to live for now, and I intent to embark that journey without any doubts or hesitations.


I'm living for something now. And it's getting more and more worth it every single day.

Underrated antics....

I think I have come to terms that I might underestimate the importance of having some time on my own.

For the past 4-5 years, I could hardly remember when I really had the chance to take an annual leave, or even unpaid, just to take my mind off things. Well, except Hari Raya of course...

I mean, it's not that I dont like taking holidays or go on vacations. It's just....weird. I dont know. At that time, I used to think, what can I do if I take one day off..? sleep? go somewhere?or maybe just work...?

But now, after all these years, I just think I truly under-materialize my own time for the sake of compensating those lost times...you know what I mean?

Gibran once said;

How amazing time is, and how amazing we are. Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration.Yesterday we complained of time and feared it, but today we love and embrace it. Indeed, we have begun to perceive its purposes and characteristics, and to comprehend its secrets and enigmas.


You got that right, G....!

Halt at the gates of contentment...

As human beings, we have the tendency to take a back seat on everything.

We just let nature take its course. Without knowing the fact, that by thinking and by following our own honest conscience , things would be different if we do something about it. But as the same time, we argued that every nooks and cranny in our minds have been explored in search of the answers. We were arrogant enough to believe that our decisions are made based on facts, not on some passion-filled trip towards insanity, and we blame everything else for that matter.

But on the contrary, we are just going around in circles, looking for a sanctuary. For our minds to just not think of it anymore.

And as time passes by, I abhor the fact that I used to have that notion in me all the time. As if, I'm so into my own depression that I somehow felt at home with all the ruckus and gloom inside of me.

But, it just took me one miraculous moment to reap the sense of living my life again. Moment of pondering emotions that took me into a leap of faith, which concludes that I too, can live and be more that I want to be.

No more excessive rationalizing. Just thoughts. Rational, clear and honest thoughts. And right now, I see things more clearer than it had ever been.


Thank God for that miracle.

The time has come..

Waiting is an integral part of life which seems to be taken for granted by most of us.

Some of us just loathe waiting. We just don’t have the time nor patience to deal with it. As if, we would be better off doing something more rewarding than waste the moments by hoping for the waiting to end.

Hoping. Waiting.

It’s the same kind of thing.

But let me tell you something. When you have been waiting all your life for something great to happen, and it materializes, the feeling is just indescribable. It’s like you never saw it coming, but at the same time you never kept your head down. Just praying for the best.

One of my prayers has been answered. And it’s the best thing and the best feeling that has ever occurred to me. As of right now, I intent to make good of it for the rest of the journey.

I would be a fool and a total moron to fuck it all up.

Pay attention to nothing..

Some people just don't know when to stop.

Look, I can understand when someone brags about what they have. Posessions. For instance, if they have a big car, or live in a big house, or they have a well-paying job, I mean I could understand where they're coming from if they decided to boast about those things.

But, a while back, a few of my friends took it to another level. We were talking about the our studying days when the shit hits the fan.


A: Korang tak tau, aku dulu hidup susah tau. Nak makan pun takde duit.

B: Beb, takleh lawan gua. Gua dulu tak pernah dapat makan nasi. Hari-hari makan roti canai je. Punyalah takde duit.

C: Tu lah. Tapi dulu aku lagi susah. Nak buat assignment, nak bayar sewa rumah, semua guna duit loan. Tak pernah mintak kat mak bapak aku.

A: Budak-budak lain tak macam kita. Hidup senang.


And it goes on, and on. For almost two hours. Things like, who eats the least, who had to beg for coins, who had to steal...that sort of thing. I just smiled and looked at them. I just listened to what they had to say.

And then I realize, these guys were bragging. But not about what they have. It's about what they dont have.. about who had the most difficult time during college days. I know it's different, but still, they were really full of themselves when they talked about it.

I understand that when you have nothing much, you make the most out of what you have. You tend to remember those things because that's what make you who you are today.

But not to the point where you feel you're better than everybody else because you've gone through some hard times or anything else for that matter. To me, that's just silly.

I dont know. Maybe these guys just ran out of topics to talk about. So, might as well talk about something like that.


That's why I like to listen. It is so much more entertaining.

Reinvigorated being....

I went back to Ipoh for the weekend. Just wanted to see my family as I wanted to spend more time with them.

And every night, after everybody has gone to sleep, it gave me more time to reflect upon certain things that really need to be contemplated.

I've forgotten how good it felt just being alone at night outside my house with a glass of kopi Che Nah and puffing away a few sticks of Sampoerna Menthol Cigarettes, while thinking and waiting, what will happen and transpire in the near future. You know, what's in store...that kind of thing...

I mean, you need that kind of atmosphere once in a while right? Just you, and your thoughts wandering away.

And now that I'm back, I realize something.


Today is a brand new day. And right now, I'm extremely happy and excited.

Not that Panglossian..

A few days ago, another year has been added to my age.

That means, I have now reached the same age as my dad when he already has a 3 year old daughter and also, I officially have three more years to go before I reach the mid point of the sixth stage in Erikson's Theory of Psychosocial Development.

Another year, another story, same old-but slightly grown me.

Most people would ask;

So, what will you do next?

What's your plan?

What do you have in mind for the future?

Honestly, I dont know what I'll do. Because I haven't figure it out completely yet. I mean, I've thought about the main things, but, you know, not the details.

Basically, yeah, I havent really thought through about what I will do next. But I'm excited about doing it.

That should count, right? I mean, I think that's how life should be.


Exciting.

Feels better...

One of the most difficult things to do in life, for me, is starting over.

I mean, it's like you're living in a dark hole. You get used to the obscurities around you. It's cold, comfortable, and dull.

But then, as time goes by, you realize that you're just sick of it. You just had to be somewhere else at the time. You search for a way out, but you just couldnt find it. Because, you're stuck, and you just dont know how to crawl out of that hell hole anymore.

At that time, all you need is just some light. A tiny, shiny, glimmer of light that will just guide you out of that slump. Things will become much more clearer, and you'll figure out which way to go. As you reach the end of it, you're free, and you do not want to be detached from the light anymore.


I think I've found my light. All I need to do now is just find my way to the end of it.


I just hope it'll still be shining.

Auspicious thoughts....

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about possibilities. You know, the phase when you think of the next move that you're going to make in your life.

And honestly, sometimes I just cant help to think that I may not even make it through the day.


But I still remember the day when my dad and me went fishing together. I was 14 at the time, and I had just gone through some disciplinary action at school for smoking.

We talked about a lot of things, but I still remember one particular thing that he said to me.

Kamu tau, whatever it is, I'm just happy you experienced all this masa kamu tgh budak lagi. You know why? Because I know you'll learn from this and I know my son will be a better man than he was meant to be.


I also remember the day when my mom and me were having breakfast together at a stall near our house. I was 18 at the time, and I was waiting for my SPM results.

We talked about a lot of things, but I still remember one particular thing that she said to me.

Teruk mcm mana pun keputusan kamu nanti, mak tak kisah. Kamu tau sebab apa? Sebab mak tau anak mak lagi pandai jaga diri, berbanding anak orang lain yang resultnya lagi bagus dari kamu.


And I still remember the day when my sister and me were having dinner at home one night. I was 23, and just got a job in KL.

We talked about a lot of things, but I still remember one thing that she said to me.

Dont worry too much. I'm sure you're gonna do just fine. You know why? Because I know, you are smarter than those wannabe jocks out there, who doesnt even know how to tie their own shoelaces.


I still remember those days.


Maybe I'll make it through the day after all.

Converse in a foreign but local manner....

I once had a conversation with a friend a while back. As we were reminiscing about our wretched life over a glass of nescafe, my friend suddenly came to a conclusion.


Games, man....It's all about how you play it....

What games?

Met, naivety won't take you anywhere. Don't act like you don't know.

No, I dont.

You don't know, or you don't wanna know?

Maybe I dont wanna know.

It's the game people play lah met. Kat mana-mana pun sama je. Politics, business, relationships...it's all about how you play the game.

But what's the point?

To get what you want.

Kenapa takleh straight forward je?

It's just the way it goes. Lagipun, where's the fun in it kalau straight forward? Besides, boring lah kalau takde game.

Boring?

Yup, boring. Takde challenge, takde sweating in your pants, takde adrenaline rush. People will think you're boring lah...


Me? Boring?

Please, tell me something else that I don't already know.

Mumble in the Jungle....

I was once told that one of my favourite phrase that I frequently use in conversations or writing is "make sense".

I don't know why I love to use that phrase but I use it quite often. Maybe because I have this tendency to make sense of all things that happens around me. Things that happen for no reason is something that I just can't fathom. Because although some things happen for no reason, still, it does happen for a reason.

I'm not making sense, am I?

Look, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe that means sometimes, you just have to roll with it. Go with the flow. It doesn't have to make sense everytime it happens. If it happens, it happens. I mean, as I grow older, I realize that maybe some thing are not meant to be understood by us, mere mortals.

"And then what?", you might ask....


I dont know either. Let's just wait and see, shall we...?

He's got a point too....

I got a reality check from a good friend of mine recently.


Ko tau tak apa masalah ko met?

Apa dia?

You overthink about all things. Kalau benda tu susah, takpelah. Tapi benda senang, buat apa nak jadikan susah...?

Memanglah, tapi aku kena fikir jugak consequences kat org lain.

Habis bila ko nak pikir pasal ko?

Bila aku rasa apa yang aku nak buat tu takde implication kat orang lain lah.

Oh, macam tu. Oklah. aku bagi contoh ye. Kalau aku terajang ko sekarang, ko nak pikir apa? Ko pikir ko sakit ke, atau ko nak pikir kaki aku yang sakit...?


Is that a trick question?

It's better to stay on the ground...

I think, of all the values and qualities that a person have or might have, the most underrated trait is humility.

Why?

Because there's a lot of people out there who thinks that being humble is a sign of not having enough self confidence..or a sign of weakness.

Most of us have something that we can boast or brag about to our friends, relatives or even someone that we just met 5 minutes ago. Believe me, I've met a lot of them.

I'm just not good at bragging. Maybe I've nothing to brag about. I'm not rich, I'm not a genius or an intellectual, I work with a meagre amount of salary, Hell, I can't even drive a car. So, what's there to brag about, right?

But, by being humble and moderate, doesn't mean you're not confident of yourself. Because what's the point of bragging if you can't even honestly prove to yourself about anything that's going on in your life. I always believe that by combining humility and rationality, You can make more sense of your life and anything that revolves around it.

I get a lot of flak from a lot of people because of my "excessive humbleness", as perceived by a lot of my mates.

"Ko ni, merendah diri sangatlah. Konfiden lah sket."

"Ko ni mcm pak angguk. Asyik angguk je."

Yup, I get that a lot.


I'm ok with that. I guess I'm cool with being underrated.


It's better than being overrated.

Hope is the key word here....

I have a confession to make.

My favourite football team is Tottenham Hotspur.

Nope, not Manchester United...not Liverpool...not even Real Madrid.

It's Spurs and it has been since I was 9 years old.

I don't know why I was attracted to cheer for them actually. As far as my memory goes, they were not among the more "exciting and happening" teams in the league.

They were not as exciting as Arsenal, not as flamboyant as Manchester United and not as legendary as Liverpool. Hell, even Queens Park Rangers were better than them at some time.

But, they have something incredibly unique about them that I just don't know how to describe it in words. They remind me about the kind of guy who have high hopes of reaching the top and making a change, but will never get there because deep down inside, he knows there's a lot more to go and there are lots of other guys who are better than him.

Honestly, they remind me of ME.

I know I have a lot to learn. As I go along, I learn something new every single day. And hopefully, I'll keep on learning until I stop breathing.

One of the most precious thing that I've learnt is never assume anything. If you don't know, just ask. Assuming, for me is so overrated. Because, let's face it. We're not that smart. As intelligent you can be, you still might not know a thing or two.

I have no idea when will Spurs reach the top. Until then, I'll just hope that someday, that moment will come.

Maybe that guy will reach the top too.

A new blog....??

I can't believe it myself.

I have a new blog.

Wow...

In my last blog, i haven't written anything for almost six months.

Who would've thought I'd make a new blog.

Anyway, welcome people.

And that includes me.