Not again....

First of all, I don't wanna sound like I'm being political or anything.

But the thing is, with all the ruckus that has been going on, I just don't know what to believe anymore. It's like 1997-1999 all over again. I still remember those days. Economic crisis, political turmoil, and all kinds of shit. And with what's been happening these past few months, is just like a blast from the past. Dejavu. or whatever you may call it.

Eventhough I was still a kid at the time, but I can still remember how chaotic the situation is. In my school, it was like, teachers became rebel leaders, newspapers were selling like hotcakes, and everyone has their own conspiracy theories. Even us, the students. Some of us were so caught up in it, that we even skipped class to just hang out in the library to check what's in the news. As for me, I stashed a copy of The Asian Renaissance under my bed for no obvious reason.

As the scenario that is occuring now is kind of similar to what happened back then, I only wish for one thing.


I just want all of it to stop. Because to me, all of it, is just getting out of hand and really, makes no sense at all.

Almost losing the plot...

For a while I was sailing.

I was so high up in the clouds, I forgot to look down for a moment and just breathe the air that hoovers below. I didn't truly distinguish on the realities and possibilities anymore. As if I'm entering a new dimension of self-fabricating optimism, which could jeopardize the whole realm of wonders that I'm experiencing.

Maybe it's been a while since I've had such exhilarating junctures, that I've been blinded by figments of my own mirage created by my hidden cravings for a more stupendous existence.

In other words, I should just keep my feet on the ground while enjoying these moments. As once I lost sight of what really matters, I'll become a hazard to myself and to everybody else around me for that matter.

As Tagore once stated;

It is our desires that limit the scope of our self-realisation, hinder our extension of consciousness, setting up disunion and arrogance of exclusiveness, and give rise to an attitude of life which takes for granted that our goal is finite, that our self is the ultimate truth, and that we are not all essentially one but exist each for his own separate individual existence.

One step at a time. No rush, no harm.


I truly believe everything's gonna be just fine.

Dispensable Eventualities...

Is it possible that a man's passion can be ripped of him because of the repercussions of the tasks he pursued?

Is it possible for an ambition to be torn apart because of some humility presented by the owner of that dream?

Is it possible that a desire to succeed can be turned into an antagonistic twist-of-faith by the insecurities rewarded from the truth that resided in an unshameful manner?

Is it possible for a will to live the dream be shattered by a sombre mood of egoistical proportions?

Is it possible?

Is it?

Because I really don't wanna know the answers for I'm not budging from anything yet. Besides, I have something to look forward to everyday, and I have something to live for now, and I intent to embark that journey without any doubts or hesitations.


I'm living for something now. And it's getting more and more worth it every single day.

The Beat lives on...

True definition of the beat generation.




Kerouac, youre the man...

Underrated antics....

I think I have come to terms that I might underestimate the importance of having some time on my own.

For the past 4-5 years, I could hardly remember when I really had the chance to take an annual leave, or even unpaid, just to take my mind off things. Well, except Hari Raya of course...

I mean, it's not that I dont like taking holidays or go on vacations. It's just....weird. I dont know. At that time, I used to think, what can I do if I take one day off..? sleep? go somewhere?or maybe just work...?

But now, after all these years, I just think I truly under-materialize my own time for the sake of compensating those lost times...you know what I mean?

Gibran once said;

How amazing time is, and how amazing we are. Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration.Yesterday we complained of time and feared it, but today we love and embrace it. Indeed, we have begun to perceive its purposes and characteristics, and to comprehend its secrets and enigmas.


You got that right, G....!

Halt at the gates of contentment...

As human beings, we have the tendency to take a back seat on everything.

We just let nature take its course. Without knowing the fact, that by thinking and by following our own honest conscience , things would be different if we do something about it. But as the same time, we argued that every nooks and cranny in our minds have been explored in search of the answers. We were arrogant enough to believe that our decisions are made based on facts, not on some passion-filled trip towards insanity, and we blame everything else for that matter.

But on the contrary, we are just going around in circles, looking for a sanctuary. For our minds to just not think of it anymore.

And as time passes by, I abhor the fact that I used to have that notion in me all the time. As if, I'm so into my own depression that I somehow felt at home with all the ruckus and gloom inside of me.

But, it just took me one miraculous moment to reap the sense of living my life again. Moment of pondering emotions that took me into a leap of faith, which concludes that I too, can live and be more that I want to be.

No more excessive rationalizing. Just thoughts. Rational, clear and honest thoughts. And right now, I see things more clearer than it had ever been.


Thank God for that miracle.

My Dad and I Vol.4

I was 8.

Whenever my dad met or hang out with his friends, I noticed that he never talked about his work. While his buddies were busy talking about ranks, positions, office politics, and their job descriptions, he just sat there, smiled or laughed occasionally and just kept quiet while listening for most of the time.

He only joined in the conversation whenever the topics switched to something else. Family and children were his favourite subjects.

One day, while on our way back from a regular stall we frequently visited for a cup of coffee with some of his mates, I asked him about this.


Kenapa bapak tak pernah sembang pasal kerja bapak dengan member-member bapak?

Kerja? Ntahlah. Nak buat apa cerita pun.

Takdelah. Macam diorang beriya bercerita pasal kerja, kenapa bapak tak join sekali?

Kalau nak cerita pasal kerja ni, sampai bila pun tak habis tau. Lagipun bapak kerja biasa je. Bukan ada apa boleh eksyen pun…heh…Bapak lagi suka cerita pasal anak-anak bapak.

Tapi anak-anak bapak pun biasa je.

Sapa cakap? Kamu tau, my best achievement in life is kamu dengan kakak kamu tau. Promise me you will never think otherwise.


I promise bapak. Thank you for making a hard and bad day seems good and worth living after all.

The time has come..

Waiting is an integral part of life which seems to be taken for granted by most of us.

Some of us just loathe waiting. We just don’t have the time nor patience to deal with it. As if, we would be better off doing something more rewarding than waste the moments by hoping for the waiting to end.

Hoping. Waiting.

It’s the same kind of thing.

But let me tell you something. When you have been waiting all your life for something great to happen, and it materializes, the feeling is just indescribable. It’s like you never saw it coming, but at the same time you never kept your head down. Just praying for the best.

One of my prayers has been answered. And it’s the best thing and the best feeling that has ever occurred to me. As of right now, I intent to make good of it for the rest of the journey.

I would be a fool and a total moron to fuck it all up.

Even Cypress Hill wouldn't want to be a rockstar anymore...

I’m not trying to be a prick or anything, but with the recent increase of, let’s just say everything, I can’t help but to feel how lucky I am.

Maybe you’re asking why.

I mean, let’s look at it this way. While some (not all) of my friends who used to laugh at me because I don’t have a car, are scratching their heads over the price of fuel to fill up their tanks, I on the other hand can still feel comfortable with forking up just fifteen bucks a week for a full tank of petrol for my scooter.

I do feel bad about the increase, as many people will have to suffer from the consequences. But as far as it goes for me, I’m still thankful.

To some of my teachers who once said that having big cars is the is the sign that you have made it in life, and that you don’t have to worry about anything anymore when that time comes, you might want to think back about what you said.

I bet you’re scratching your heads too cikgu.

Pay attention to nothing..

Some people just don't know when to stop.

Look, I can understand when someone brags about what they have. Posessions. For instance, if they have a big car, or live in a big house, or they have a well-paying job, I mean I could understand where they're coming from if they decided to boast about those things.

But, a while back, a few of my friends took it to another level. We were talking about the our studying days when the shit hits the fan.


A: Korang tak tau, aku dulu hidup susah tau. Nak makan pun takde duit.

B: Beb, takleh lawan gua. Gua dulu tak pernah dapat makan nasi. Hari-hari makan roti canai je. Punyalah takde duit.

C: Tu lah. Tapi dulu aku lagi susah. Nak buat assignment, nak bayar sewa rumah, semua guna duit loan. Tak pernah mintak kat mak bapak aku.

A: Budak-budak lain tak macam kita. Hidup senang.


And it goes on, and on. For almost two hours. Things like, who eats the least, who had to beg for coins, who had to steal...that sort of thing. I just smiled and looked at them. I just listened to what they had to say.

And then I realize, these guys were bragging. But not about what they have. It's about what they dont have.. about who had the most difficult time during college days. I know it's different, but still, they were really full of themselves when they talked about it.

I understand that when you have nothing much, you make the most out of what you have. You tend to remember those things because that's what make you who you are today.

But not to the point where you feel you're better than everybody else because you've gone through some hard times or anything else for that matter. To me, that's just silly.

I dont know. Maybe these guys just ran out of topics to talk about. So, might as well talk about something like that.


That's why I like to listen. It is so much more entertaining.

My Dad and I Vol. 3

I was 12.

My dad used to have this wallet that he had been using for as long as I know. It was so worn out, that infact, it no longer has a shape of a proper wallet. More like an old piece of leather folded up in two.

Once, my sis and I had planned to buy him a new wallet for his birthday. But mom told us to forget about it as she have tried before, but to no avail.

One day, I watched him getting ready for work. While he put his wallet in his backpocket, he noticed that I've been looking at him for the past 15 minutes or so.


Kenapa ni? Semacam je tengok bapak..Something wrong with my hair?

Tak. Just terpikir, kenapa bapak tak nak tukar wallet tu ye? Kan dah koyak benda tu?

Hmm...it's a man thing...a real man..hehehe...

Eh, what do you mean?

Takdelah, Wallet ni pun mak kamu yang belikan. When someone macam mak kamu, who means a lot to me, bought me something, I'll make sure I'll use the thing sampai hancur berderai..heh..

Ok but, yang real man tu macam mana pak?

You really wanna know ye...?

Yes.

Well, sampai satu masa, you put the interest of your loved ones above yours. And if they're happy, that alone will make your day. And you don't need anything else dah pun. Masa tu, you're a real man.

Not even a new wallet pak?

Yes. Bapak prefer belikan kamu, kakak, ngan mak something new rather than I buy something for myself.

Tapi kenapa?

Sebab bapak lagi sayang kamu semua lebih dari bapak sayang diri sendiri. Bapak rasa that's what makes a man, a real man.


Thanks bapak. For the time and wisdom. I'll keep that in mind for the rest of my life.

Lost track of time..

Working late at night and having no sleep for more than 24 hours will make some of us go insane in a very slow and remote manner.

But, when, you have been doing it for almost the entire existence of your career, you'll kind of get used to it and further more, it'll sometimes drag you into this world where the only thing that matters to you is coffee, cigarettes, your monitor's contrast and brightness, mouse-sensitivity, keyboard-reliability and the toilet.

Nothing else make sense anymore.

But when all those burdens have been completed, when all the work is done, you'll encounter another problem.

Trouble in getting some shut eye.


Deadlines. They suck.

Reinvigorated being....

I went back to Ipoh for the weekend. Just wanted to see my family as I wanted to spend more time with them.

And every night, after everybody has gone to sleep, it gave me more time to reflect upon certain things that really need to be contemplated.

I've forgotten how good it felt just being alone at night outside my house with a glass of kopi Che Nah and puffing away a few sticks of Sampoerna Menthol Cigarettes, while thinking and waiting, what will happen and transpire in the near future. You know, what's in store...that kind of thing...

I mean, you need that kind of atmosphere once in a while right? Just you, and your thoughts wandering away.

And now that I'm back, I realize something.


Today is a brand new day. And right now, I'm extremely happy and excited.

I don't get it either....

Considering the fact that I've been writing more often lately than I used to, I should have anticipated that sooner or later, this writing frenzy of mine would come to a screeching halt anytime soon.

I mean, I'm not really good with words. The fact that I couldn't stay focus on relaying a message that I've been thinking about in my head is one of the few examples that I might be expecting a drought of ideas in the long run. It's like, it's there but it's not there.

Get it?

No? ok fine. That's not the point.

The thing is, constantly reprising ideas is not really a good way of conveying your thoughts on paper/blog or whatever. Spontaneity is sometimes the key to express those thoughts that would in turn spark imaginations and also ignite sombre feelings. Right?

Wait....

That's not the point either..


See, I told you I'm not good with words....

Not that Panglossian..

A few days ago, another year has been added to my age.

That means, I have now reached the same age as my dad when he already has a 3 year old daughter and also, I officially have three more years to go before I reach the mid point of the sixth stage in Erikson's Theory of Psychosocial Development.

Another year, another story, same old-but slightly grown me.

Most people would ask;

So, what will you do next?

What's your plan?

What do you have in mind for the future?

Honestly, I dont know what I'll do. Because I haven't figure it out completely yet. I mean, I've thought about the main things, but, you know, not the details.

Basically, yeah, I havent really thought through about what I will do next. But I'm excited about doing it.

That should count, right? I mean, I think that's how life should be.


Exciting.

My Dad and I Vol. 2

I was 15.

My dad picked up the phone that evening. It's been 6 months since I last saw him, so it was great to talk to my dad once in a while because I know I can talk to him about anything, as we always consider ourselves not only as father and son, but also as the best of friends.

We talked about a lot of things throughout the conversation. We bandied stories about school, my mom and my sis. And as we chatted, I could hear the sound of his lighter, as he lit up his cigarettes, one after another.


So, life ok? ada girlfriend?

Mana ada pak. Kenapa ke situ pulak?

Mana lah tau...Teenagers...kot-kot ada someone special...

Takdelah. Takde lagi..heh...

Alah...come on...you can tell me...Bapak tak bagitau mak punya....

Eh, takde lah pak. Betul...

Heh..ok. I believe you. Tapi janji ngan bapak satu benda boleh?

Boleh. Apa dia?

Nanti bila kamu dah jumpa that special person, send my regards to her, ok?


At that time I thought he was joking. So, I never took it seriously. A few later, he was gone. And I never recalled about the promise ever since.

But it all came back to me recently. And come to think of it, although he joked around most of the time, he also meant every single word that he ever said,no matter how silly or absurd those things are.


Maybe one day, I'll deliver on that promise. I just hope that it's not too late.

Yes, it is indeed a fact that bullshit walks...

I couldnt sleep after Subuh the other day as I used to, and I thought, while I'm up, I might as well start the day with some tv to kill some time before I'm off to work.

And on the telly that morning was this motivational kind of programme for kids and teenagers, which the speaker, who happens to be a motivation specialist, talked about how to improve life and academic excellence, all of those things in that matter.

I watched it that morning, just for the sake of it. And this motivational speaker, a Doctor to be exact, was going on and on, about life, about family, ambition and all sorts of things. But what got my attention was his thoughts about choosing your friends.


Kalau kita nak berjaya, mestilah kita berkawan dengan orang yang dah berjaya dan orang-orang yang pandai. Barulah kita pun boleh sama-sama berjaya.

Tapi kalau kita asyik berkawan dengan orang-orang yang tak berjaya, orang-orang yang tak berapa pandai, contohnya penoreh getah ke, nelayan ke, pemungut sampah ke, kejayaan tu takkan sampai pada kita. Sebab kelompok rakan atau kenalan kita semuanya tak mencapai kejayaan. Secara tak langsung kita pun takkan berjaya.


Wait, that does not make sense, doesnt it?

I think the last thing we want in this world is another generation of snobs and elitists. Because in my opinion, we already have plenty of that to deal with now, every single day.

I mean, if every morning a motivational specialist could come up with such bullshit for the kids, I wonder what will happen to them in the long run.


What a way to start the day.

Ordinary people...

My housemate always suggested that I am a film snob, which I beg to differ actually. He always complain about my DVD collection, which he said is full of absurd titles. But he has no other choice but to borrow from me when he's out of DVDs to watch.


Pinjam DVD baru boleh?

Ambiklah. ada kat dalam bilik tu.

Ada cerita apa? Hang mesti beli cerita mengarut kan?

Mana ada. Cerita biasa lah.

Tolonglah met. Bagi lah aku pinjam cerita yang boleh terima akal sikit. Ni asyik cerita tahpapa hang beli.

Kan aku ada Jackass trilogi tu..

Tu aku dah tengok. Cerita lain, cerita biasa?

Hang nak cerita apa?

Cerita normal yang fun...yang lelaki normal suka tengok. Cerita yang tak perlu daya berfikir. Cerita yang....

Err....porn?

Heh...you read my mind....Now you're talking....


I guess I'm normal after all.

Do we really need this kind of stuff....?

This is a true story. And I swear I am not making this up. You might think I did, because I couldn't believe it myself.

I was having my nescafe the other day. It was a sunny day. No signs of rain whatsoever. The place was almost filled with people that day. Luckily, I got my seat and proceeded to read my newspaper while enjoying a glass of nescafe ais.

As I flipped through the pages, I noticed a girl was walking up the stairs . She looked kinda cheerful. Maybe it's because of the weather. She sat at the table behind me. Moments later, a guy, followed suit, with two plates of nasi kandar and took a seat next to her.

Suddenly, the girl cried. She was sobbing continuosly.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop on them or anything. But because of the table's positions, it just made it harder for me not to listen,no matter how hard I try because they were so close behind me. I could tell the guy was really confused about the whole thing.


Kenapa nangis ni?

Sampai hati awak buat saya macam ni....

Apa saya dah buat?

Awak fikirlah sendiri....

Cakaplah....saya ada buat salah ke? Janganlah macam ni....

Awaklah....

Saya?

Ye lah...sampai hati awak ambik nasi je...Papadom mana? Takkan saya nak pegi amik sendiri pulak....


I was dumbfounded.

All that drama just for papadoms...??


God help us all.

Conversations with Mom Vol. 3

Talked to my mom recently. And as always, she never fails to crack me up.


Mak, mak pernah dengar lauk nama upor tak?

Ada. Lauk jawa tu. Kenapa? Kamu nak makan?

Takdelah. Saja tanya.

Mak pun tak reti sangat masaknya. Tapi bolehlah jugak mak masak.

Eh, takpelah mak.

Ngape? Kamu cakap je nak makan apa. Nanti mak masakkan lah....

Err...lasagna mak boleh masak?

Apa dia?

Lasagna.

Kamu lupa ke? Kan haritu mak dah cakap, kalau nak nyebutnya pun mak tak reti, masaknya lagi mak tak tau....


I should keep that in mind next time.