Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My Dad and I Vol. 5

I was 13.

My dad is the type of guy you call a 'Jack of all trades'. He can do anything.

I mean, he can do everything. He was good in sports. He used to play in state and district tournaments when he was in school. Name the sport, whether it's football, volleyball, takraw, you name it, he knows how to play it.

He was good in arts too. He played the drums and was in a band when he was young. They used to do shows all around Perak. Weddings, Talent shows, they've done it all. Although we don't have any drum set in our house, but I know he still have it in him.

He's really good in writing too. He can write poetry, pantun, all kinds of shit. I once read in his school magazine that he was famously known for his pantun asmara...whatever the hell that means. Everytime we had to go meminang for somebody in the family, guess who took the lead with his verbal jousting and pantuns? Yup..my dad.

But, as for me, I was the opposite of him.I'm not really good in anything. I suck in sports, I can't play music. I'm not really that smart. The things that he could do, I can't. And to be honest, I felt bad for not being able to follow in his footsteps. And that was being good in anything. Sometimes, I just can't help but to wonder if he was ever disappointed at me.

One morning, the two of us went out for breakfast. After a cup coffee, I just popped the question. Seems like a good idea at the time.

Bapak, pernah tak bapak frust sebab I'm not as talented as you?

Huh? Apa punya soalan ni? Apa yang buat kamu pikir macam tu?

Ntahlah. sebab bapak dulu main sports, main drum, but me, satu apa pun tak tau.

Hahahaha....and you've been thinking about this for how long?

I don't know. A long time I guess.

So, what you're trying to say is kamu tak macam bapak, is it?

I guess so. I just don't want to let you down, you know what I mean right pak?

Let me tell you something, semua orang dalam dunia ni ada specialty sendiri. Kalau kamu takde sports punya skill ke, music punya skill ke, or benda-benda lain, it doesn't matter. maybe ada benda lain yang kamu ada, tapi orang lain takde.

Like what?

Heh..you'll just have to figure it out yourself. I can't tell you everything. You're already a man kan...you'll know what to do when the time comes. But I'll tell you one thing that's special about you.

Apa dia pak?

Your ability to think like a grown man amazes me everytime we talk about things. Kamu baru 13 for God's sake..tapi kamu punya pikir, macam orang umur 40..But that's who you are and I'm really proud of you. And you should too.

Bapak, thank you. I am what I am because of you. And I hope I didn't let you down.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

In the realms of despair..

People say, when you think too much, you complicate things more than it should've been. You tend to over-analyze about all things, and then you start wonder whether you should be feeling the way you did, or should you just let that feeling slide.

The most complicated things in life are not always that complicated. It is our insecurities that makes it even more hard to comprehend. The best part of life, is when you realize that you are just a mortal, who makes mistakes, and messes up, which is perfectly fine, as that's part of the process of learning through the ropes.

But that's easier said than done. When you've been thinking too much all your life, and no one's there to lead the way, added that your guts have shit for brains, it makes it a whole lot harder to just chill and be calm in the face of any storm that you encounter. In the end, you just ignore any feelings that you have, and just move on.

Maybe that's the way to deal with things. Or maybe not.

Sometimes, I wish my dad was here. He would just make things more clearer. He would always tell me when to think, and when to just let it be. And he'll be pissed if I ever doubted myself in anything for that matter.

If he was here today, he's sure gonna be disappointed.

Monday, August 04, 2008

The time has come..

I still remember when I was a kid, I can't wait to get old. No judgements, no boundaries, no rules. You do something, and it's all you from there.

Time flies. I realize that I am getting old. Because;

You know you're getting old, when your mum calls you, and the main topic is politics..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer to shave your head, rather than to comb your hair..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer your perfume to be Brut, rather than Tommy or DKNY..

You know you're getting old, when occasionally you have those short-term-memory-lapse moments, which results in an abrupt ending to a coversation in hand..

You know you're getting old, when you constantly check on your savings and financial balance, as if your life depend on it..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer to watch Deadliest Catch or Ice Road Truckers on Discovery, rather than anything on MTV..

You know you're getting old, when some kid who looks like she's in primary school called you pakcik, eventhough you wore a rock t-shirt..

You know you're getting old, when you manage to strain your neck or hurt your back, by just a sneeze or a cough..

But come to think of it, getting old is not that bad. In a way, it shows that we've matured.And at the same time, being more consistent in our thoughts and decisions.

At least that's what I told myself. It sounds better that way.