Monday, June 30, 2008

Not again....

First of all, I don't wanna sound like I'm being political or anything.

But the thing is, with all the ruckus that has been going on, I just don't know what to believe anymore. It's like 1997-1999 all over again. I still remember those days. Economic crisis, political turmoil, and all kinds of shit. And with what's been happening these past few months, is just like a blast from the past. Dejavu. or whatever you may call it.

Eventhough I was still a kid at the time, but I can still remember how chaotic the situation is. In my school, it was like, teachers became rebel leaders, newspapers were selling like hotcakes, and everyone has their own conspiracy theories. Even us, the students. Some of us were so caught up in it, that we even skipped class to just hang out in the library to check what's in the news. As for me, I stashed a copy of The Asian Renaissance under my bed for no obvious reason.

As the scenario that is occuring now is kind of similar to what happened back then, I only wish for one thing.

I just want all of it to stop. Because to me, all of it, is just getting out of hand and really, makes no sense at all.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Almost losing the plot...

For a while I was sailing.

I was so high up in the clouds, I forgot to look down for a moment and just breathe the air that hoovers below. I didn't truly distinguish on the realities and possibilities anymore. As if I'm entering a new dimension of self-fabricating optimism, which could jeopardize the whole realm of wonders that I'm experiencing.

Maybe it's been a while since I've had such exhilarating junctures, that I've been blinded by figments of my own mirage created by my hidden cravings for a more stupendous existence.

In other words, I should just keep my feet on the ground while enjoying these moments. As once I lost sight of what really matters, I'll become a hazard to myself and to everybody else around me for that matter.

As Tagore once stated;

It is our desires that limit the scope of our self-realisation, hinder our extension of consciousness, setting up disunion and arrogance of exclusiveness, and give rise to an attitude of life which takes for granted that our goal is finite, that our self is the ultimate truth, and that we are not all essentially one but exist each for his own separate individual existence.

One step at a time. No rush, no harm.

I truly believe everything's gonna be just fine.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dispensable Eventualities...

Is it possible that a man's passion can be ripped of him because of the repercussions of the tasks he pursued?

Is it possible for an ambition to be torn apart because of some humility presented by the owner of that dream?

Is it possible that a desire to succeed can be turned into an antagonistic twist-of-faith by the insecurities rewarded from the truth that resided in an unshameful manner?

Is it possible for a will to live the dream be shattered by a sombre mood of egoistical proportions?

Is it possible?

Is it?

Because I really don't wanna know the answers for I'm not budging from anything yet. Besides, I have something to look forward to everyday, and I have something to live for now, and I intent to embark that journey without any doubts or hesitations.

I'm living for something now. And it's getting more and more worth it every single day.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Beat lives on...

True definition of the beat generation.

Kerouac, youre the man...

Underrated antics....

I think I have come to terms that I might underestimate the importance of having some time on my own.

For the past 4-5 years, I could hardly remember when I really had the chance to take an annual leave, or even unpaid, just to take my mind off things. Well, except Hari Raya of course...

I mean, it's not that I dont like taking holidays or go on vacations. It's just....weird. I dont know. At that time, I used to think, what can I do if I take one day off..? sleep? go somewhere?or maybe just work...?

But now, after all these years, I just think I truly under-materialize my own time for the sake of compensating those lost know what I mean?

Gibran once said;

How amazing time is, and how amazing we are. Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration.Yesterday we complained of time and feared it, but today we love and embrace it. Indeed, we have begun to perceive its purposes and characteristics, and to comprehend its secrets and enigmas.

You got that right, G....!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Halt at the gates of contentment...

As human beings, we have the tendency to take a back seat on everything.

We just let nature take its course. Without knowing the fact, that by thinking and by following our own honest conscience , things would be different if we do something about it. But as the same time, we argued that every nooks and cranny in our minds have been explored in search of the answers. We were arrogant enough to believe that our decisions are made based on facts, not on some passion-filled trip towards insanity, and we blame everything else for that matter.

But on the contrary, we are just going around in circles, looking for a sanctuary. For our minds to just not think of it anymore.

And as time passes by, I abhor the fact that I used to have that notion in me all the time. As if, I'm so into my own depression that I somehow felt at home with all the ruckus and gloom inside of me.

But, it just took me one miraculous moment to reap the sense of living my life again. Moment of pondering emotions that took me into a leap of faith, which concludes that I too, can live and be more that I want to be.

No more excessive rationalizing. Just thoughts. Rational, clear and honest thoughts. And right now, I see things more clearer than it had ever been.

Thank God for that miracle.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My Dad and I Vol.4

I was 8.

Whenever my dad met or hang out with his friends, I noticed that he never talked about his work. While his buddies were busy talking about ranks, positions, office politics, and their job descriptions, he just sat there, smiled or laughed occasionally and just kept quiet while listening for most of the time.

He only joined in the conversation whenever the topics switched to something else. Family and children were his favourite subjects.

One day, while on our way back from a regular stall we frequently visited for a cup of coffee with some of his mates, I asked him about this.

Kenapa bapak tak pernah sembang pasal kerja bapak dengan member-member bapak?

Kerja? Ntahlah. Nak buat apa cerita pun.

Takdelah. Macam diorang beriya bercerita pasal kerja, kenapa bapak tak join sekali?

Kalau nak cerita pasal kerja ni, sampai bila pun tak habis tau. Lagipun bapak kerja biasa je. Bukan ada apa boleh eksyen pun…heh…Bapak lagi suka cerita pasal anak-anak bapak.

Tapi anak-anak bapak pun biasa je.

Sapa cakap? Kamu tau, my best achievement in life is kamu dengan kakak kamu tau. Promise me you will never think otherwise.

I promise bapak. Thank you for making a hard and bad day seems good and worth living after all.

The time has come..

Waiting is an integral part of life which seems to be taken for granted by most of us.

Some of us just loathe waiting. We just don’t have the time nor patience to deal with it. As if, we would be better off doing something more rewarding than waste the moments by hoping for the waiting to end.

Hoping. Waiting.

It’s the same kind of thing.

But let me tell you something. When you have been waiting all your life for something great to happen, and it materializes, the feeling is just indescribable. It’s like you never saw it coming, but at the same time you never kept your head down. Just praying for the best.

One of my prayers has been answered. And it’s the best thing and the best feeling that has ever occurred to me. As of right now, I intent to make good of it for the rest of the journey.

I would be a fool and a total moron to fuck it all up.

Even Cypress Hill wouldn't want to be a rockstar anymore...

I’m not trying to be a prick or anything, but with the recent increase of, let’s just say everything, I can’t help but to feel how lucky I am.

Maybe you’re asking why.

I mean, let’s look at it this way. While some (not all) of my friends who used to laugh at me because I don’t have a car, are scratching their heads over the price of fuel to fill up their tanks, I on the other hand can still feel comfortable with forking up just fifteen bucks a week for a full tank of petrol for my scooter.

I do feel bad about the increase, as many people will have to suffer from the consequences. But as far as it goes for me, I’m still thankful.

To some of my teachers who once said that having big cars is the is the sign that you have made it in life, and that you don’t have to worry about anything anymore when that time comes, you might want to think back about what you said.

I bet you’re scratching your heads too cikgu.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Pay attention to nothing..

Some people just don't know when to stop.

Look, I can understand when someone brags about what they have. Posessions. For instance, if they have a big car, or live in a big house, or they have a well-paying job, I mean I could understand where they're coming from if they decided to boast about those things.

But, a while back, a few of my friends took it to another level. We were talking about the our studying days when the shit hits the fan.

A: Korang tak tau, aku dulu hidup susah tau. Nak makan pun takde duit.

B: Beb, takleh lawan gua. Gua dulu tak pernah dapat makan nasi. Hari-hari makan roti canai je. Punyalah takde duit.

C: Tu lah. Tapi dulu aku lagi susah. Nak buat assignment, nak bayar sewa rumah, semua guna duit loan. Tak pernah mintak kat mak bapak aku.

A: Budak-budak lain tak macam kita. Hidup senang.

And it goes on, and on. For almost two hours. Things like, who eats the least, who had to beg for coins, who had to steal...that sort of thing. I just smiled and looked at them. I just listened to what they had to say.

And then I realize, these guys were bragging. But not about what they have. It's about what they dont have.. about who had the most difficult time during college days. I know it's different, but still, they were really full of themselves when they talked about it.

I understand that when you have nothing much, you make the most out of what you have. You tend to remember those things because that's what make you who you are today.

But not to the point where you feel you're better than everybody else because you've gone through some hard times or anything else for that matter. To me, that's just silly.

I dont know. Maybe these guys just ran out of topics to talk about. So, might as well talk about something like that.

That's why I like to listen. It is so much more entertaining.

Monday, June 02, 2008

My Dad and I Vol. 3

I was 12.

My dad used to have this wallet that he had been using for as long as I know. It was so worn out, that infact, it no longer has a shape of a proper wallet. More like an old piece of leather folded up in two.

Once, my sis and I had planned to buy him a new wallet for his birthday. But mom told us to forget about it as she have tried before, but to no avail.

One day, I watched him getting ready for work. While he put his wallet in his backpocket, he noticed that I've been looking at him for the past 15 minutes or so.

Kenapa ni? Semacam je tengok bapak..Something wrong with my hair?

Tak. Just terpikir, kenapa bapak tak nak tukar wallet tu ye? Kan dah koyak benda tu?'s a man thing...a real man..hehehe...

Eh, what do you mean?

Takdelah, Wallet ni pun mak kamu yang belikan. When someone macam mak kamu, who means a lot to me, bought me something, I'll make sure I'll use the thing sampai hancur berderai..heh..

Ok but, yang real man tu macam mana pak?

You really wanna know ye...?


Well, sampai satu masa, you put the interest of your loved ones above yours. And if they're happy, that alone will make your day. And you don't need anything else dah pun. Masa tu, you're a real man.

Not even a new wallet pak?

Yes. Bapak prefer belikan kamu, kakak, ngan mak something new rather than I buy something for myself.

Tapi kenapa?

Sebab bapak lagi sayang kamu semua lebih dari bapak sayang diri sendiri. Bapak rasa that's what makes a man, a real man.

Thanks bapak. For the time and wisdom. I'll keep that in mind for the rest of my life.