(Untitled 3)

Our lives are not confined by one single word that is uttered by some arrogant-prick who doesnt even have the slightest clue who we really are.

Is that harsh? or just doesnt make sense?

I don't know. I'm tired of being mad. Mad for nothing. Really.

It's like a waste of energy. That doesn't mean that I'm trying to be a holier-than thou figure type of person. But, whenever I think about it, I used to be pissed off all the time. And what am I pissed off about? Nothing.

Isn't that the sickest thing you can do in this life? Wasting your time on nothing? I know some people have this notion that you can't be afford to be this naive at this time of age. We have to deal with people, the same way people deal with us. In simple words, shit deserves shit.

I mean, I understand that notion of 'serves u right' attitude, but for real, does everybody in this world treats everybody like shit? I don't think so. So why in the hell should we be pissed off all the time?

I'm tired of being angry. And I'm tired of lashing out without no apparent reason. As far as I can see, nothing good comes out of it for me anyway. If this makes me look naive, then let me be naive. At least that sounds better.


And cuter. LOL

(Untitled 2)

For all the certainties of life that we shared among us, common mortals, we have spit in the faces of despair because our courage to dismiss all the obstacles that we were told that we would go through despite the fact that we faced it in reality every single day.

Instead of knocking on doors and chopping over pillars that shall be our shelter in this masquerading life, we propose to ourselves the thought of psycho-combustion of the souls that we intend to degenerate through the the power of our thoughts.

We have no remorse about our humility as we are proud to be grateful for whatever that God has given us, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We are what we are and nothing would ever compare to what we have become besides our own personal strength that lies deep inside each one of us.

Is it wishful thinking?

Is this too much to ask?

Or is it just a mirage of the mind that kept spewing fantasies that may not be materealized into reality..?

Nothing is impossible.


Thou shall not gave up on oneself before thy consider trying.

Being human...

Have you ever, at one point in your life, wonder why you became the person you are today?

You ask yourself, what made you have those idealistic philosophies in life that only you hold, and you wonder why you're the only one who thinks that way.

Or you question yourself, what moulded you into this confined persona that distinctively shows that nature of yourself, that no one can argue that you are you, the person you are, and not somebody posing as somebody else.

You ponder on the facts of your genuine self by selectively or randomly pick traits of your personality that connect you to other human beings. And you analyse every single one of them for answers in discovering why are you fucking yourself over, or in other words, why are you repeating the same mistakes you made over-and over again.

Either way, you'll have the same answer for every single of those questions. It's either, you don't know, or you just don't give a flying fuck, or just plain "I'm just being me". And still you'll keep wondering and searching the real answer.

I am no saint, nor am I a genius. I constantly ask myself these questions throughout my whole existence as a human being. And frankly, the most common conclusion that I come up with is I am a moronic, self-righteous, idiotic, lame-ass prick, which I have to admit, is a conclusion that is not gonna do me any good for the long run. I mean, if I want to be deconstructive of myself, I might as well say "Fuck you" everyday in the mirror each morning before I start my day.


Shit...I just did that this morning.

Short and Narrow journey of Maturity...

Most of us have encountered cliche and narrow minded comments from other people. And ironically, most of these people are either your best mates or your closest relatives

I don't know why people still have some stigma on certain things. For example, one of my best friend who is working with the Ministry of Finance always gets this remark from his pals;

"Kerja kat MOF? Boleh lah tolong dapatkan contract ke, tender ke..."

And he's sick of it. It's not like he's the Minister of Finance for crying out loud.

Another friend of mine, who comes from a small kampung in Perak, told me, her fiancee, who hails from KL, always gets this from her friends ;

"Kesian you...tunang you menyewa dengan adik beradik dia ye? nanti lepas kahwin, macam mana...?

And they're sick of that too. What they see as a way of saving money is seen as a low-class act by some people.

Sometimes, I just wonder, why can't they think out of the box once in a while. They're not rednecks, for crying-out loud. They're mostly high class, educated people. What is it that makes their brain triggered that way...?

Me? I used to be immune to it. Just because I was so used to it. I get that almost all the time..with my work, it's either I'm a newscaster or I mingle with celebrities..with my house, they wonder why I live in a low cost flat with one of my mates...and dont get me started on my motorcycle...I get remarks all the time about why I dont have a car...

I just smiled everytime I hear these things.

Once, I was hanging out with my friends when this topic came out. One of them, jokingly(I hope so) said;

"Kenapa ko takde kereta? Kesian nanti awek ko kena amik ko je...tak malu ke?

I told him to shut up, take his words and his car, and shove it.


For once, I snapped. And I'm glad I did.

In the realms of despair..

People say, when you think too much, you complicate things more than it should've been. You tend to over-analyze about all things, and then you start wonder whether you should be feeling the way you did, or should you just let that feeling slide.

The most complicated things in life are not always that complicated. It is our insecurities that makes it even more hard to comprehend. The best part of life, is when you realize that you are just a mortal, who makes mistakes, and messes up, which is perfectly fine, as that's part of the process of learning through the ropes.

But that's easier said than done. When you've been thinking too much all your life, and no one's there to lead the way, added that your guts have shit for brains, it makes it a whole lot harder to just chill and be calm in the face of any storm that you encounter. In the end, you just ignore any feelings that you have, and just move on.

Maybe that's the way to deal with things. Or maybe not.

Sometimes, I wish my dad was here. He would just make things more clearer. He would always tell me when to think, and when to just let it be. And he'll be pissed if I ever doubted myself in anything for that matter.


If he was here today, he's sure gonna be disappointed.

Laugh it out loud....

I have been told by a lot of people that I have a gift. And they say, I don't have to do anything to show it off. People will just know I have that gift.

They say I have the gift of making people laugh.

Quite interesting isn't it? But I kind of noticed that too. I don't have to say anything funny, people will laugh by just looking at me. I'll just do my thing, whether it's just talking or just a stare, and the next thing I know, I'll have them in stitches. Without any intention of being funny, I actually came across as a hilarious guy. Sometimes, in conversations or discussions with friends, there's always a huge laugh right after I'm done talking. And all I did, was just talk and saying something that was on my mind.

Strange yet amusing, right?

One friend has a very interesting way of describing how funny I was. He said, if I was to enter a comedy contest, I don't have to crack a joke or even say word when I got up on stage. Just stand there, be still, and I'll end up winning the whole thing. Although it's quite flattering to hear that kind of compliment, but still there's a sense of awkwardness when I heard that.

To some, they might take that as an insult or feel disrespected. But I'm ok with it. I mean, I dont feel disrespected or anything. But still, if it happens too frequently, it's gets a little uncomfortable. It's like, once in a while, a little bit of...you know...like...err...acknowledgement...is very much welcomed too.

But, hey, a gift is a gift. I should be thankful I guess. It's much better making people laugh rather than making people mad. At least when they laugh, they're happy. If it makes them happy, then good for them. I'm kind of used to being laughed at anyway.


Who knows, maybe one day, I'll be laughing too.

Nerves of steel or complacency in disguise....

Is it our nature as human beings, to act as though we knew enough about humanity, that we have the audacity to look down and laugh at others?

Do we think we're good enough to say that although our life has been blessed with all the ingredients to make it better, that we have the gumption to question, why are we the deserted ones?

For once, we should look in the mirror of thoughts, and recognize the facts that we are the lucky ones, and try not to be cynical or critical about the lives of others as we are not that complete either.


Maybe for once, we could use a little bit of humility in times like these.

Pother alert...

I have to admit, I have this tendency of driving people around me crazy. I don't know why, but I realize that my actions or my words can sometime irritate and annoy the hell out of people.

To tell you the truth, I'm really not doing it on purpose. It's just sometimes, the fact that I want everything to be ok, simply affect the way people look and perceived your approach towards certain things. And to make things even worse, I don't even realize that I'm doing it.

Maybe I should use my brain a lot more often so that I won't screw up that much. The thing that makes me more mad about myself, is that I kept pushing for some space that people want for themselves, and I forgot the most important thing is to let people be. Not bugging them with the hope that all things will be alright and all that. My guess is, excessive optimism and agathism is just not good for you and the people around you.

I guess, I should just shut up, stop nagging and bugging people. I've pushed people away from me all my life with my constant insecurities and complexities, and I don't want it to happen again. It's just time to be quiet and be still.


Chill. And everything's gonna be alright. Maybe that's the best way to deal with things.

Almost losing the plot...

For a while I was sailing.

I was so high up in the clouds, I forgot to look down for a moment and just breathe the air that hoovers below. I didn't truly distinguish on the realities and possibilities anymore. As if I'm entering a new dimension of self-fabricating optimism, which could jeopardize the whole realm of wonders that I'm experiencing.

Maybe it's been a while since I've had such exhilarating junctures, that I've been blinded by figments of my own mirage created by my hidden cravings for a more stupendous existence.

In other words, I should just keep my feet on the ground while enjoying these moments. As once I lost sight of what really matters, I'll become a hazard to myself and to everybody else around me for that matter.

As Tagore once stated;

It is our desires that limit the scope of our self-realisation, hinder our extension of consciousness, setting up disunion and arrogance of exclusiveness, and give rise to an attitude of life which takes for granted that our goal is finite, that our self is the ultimate truth, and that we are not all essentially one but exist each for his own separate individual existence.

One step at a time. No rush, no harm.


I truly believe everything's gonna be just fine.

Lost track of time..

Working late at night and having no sleep for more than 24 hours will make some of us go insane in a very slow and remote manner.

But, when, you have been doing it for almost the entire existence of your career, you'll kind of get used to it and further more, it'll sometimes drag you into this world where the only thing that matters to you is coffee, cigarettes, your monitor's contrast and brightness, mouse-sensitivity, keyboard-reliability and the toilet.

Nothing else make sense anymore.

But when all those burdens have been completed, when all the work is done, you'll encounter another problem.

Trouble in getting some shut eye.


Deadlines. They suck.

I don't get it either....

Considering the fact that I've been writing more often lately than I used to, I should have anticipated that sooner or later, this writing frenzy of mine would come to a screeching halt anytime soon.

I mean, I'm not really good with words. The fact that I couldn't stay focus on relaying a message that I've been thinking about in my head is one of the few examples that I might be expecting a drought of ideas in the long run. It's like, it's there but it's not there.

Get it?

No? ok fine. That's not the point.

The thing is, constantly reprising ideas is not really a good way of conveying your thoughts on paper/blog or whatever. Spontaneity is sometimes the key to express those thoughts that would in turn spark imaginations and also ignite sombre feelings. Right?

Wait....

That's not the point either..


See, I told you I'm not good with words....

Ordinary people...

My housemate always suggested that I am a film snob, which I beg to differ actually. He always complain about my DVD collection, which he said is full of absurd titles. But he has no other choice but to borrow from me when he's out of DVDs to watch.


Pinjam DVD baru boleh?

Ambiklah. ada kat dalam bilik tu.

Ada cerita apa? Hang mesti beli cerita mengarut kan?

Mana ada. Cerita biasa lah.

Tolonglah met. Bagi lah aku pinjam cerita yang boleh terima akal sikit. Ni asyik cerita tahpapa hang beli.

Kan aku ada Jackass trilogi tu..

Tu aku dah tengok. Cerita lain, cerita biasa?

Hang nak cerita apa?

Cerita normal yang fun...yang lelaki normal suka tengok. Cerita yang tak perlu daya berfikir. Cerita yang....

Err....porn?

Heh...you read my mind....Now you're talking....


I guess I'm normal after all.

Route to nowhere.....

Are we heading towards the right way?

As we gather around in circles of communion, cracks appear without visibility to the human eyes. We ponder the significance of our own existence, without even realizing the need to shine our own light.

Misconstrued as we are, no mortals were born in this world without importance as every one of us are meant to glow our distinctive reason to be here in the first place. We are neither useless nor without dignity. Integrity and humility are main traits that have been put together in creating a living and breathing persona, that is us.

But, everything has coiled into cobwebs of doubt. We have gone against the grains of our nature. We have become a generation of snobs, which we start to judge each other’s incompetence without accepting the fact that we are as incompetent as the person next to us. In fact, our incompetence is merely a sign which makes us an originator of our own style and substance.


Maybe we should look the other way.

Invulnerable.........

He was never this quiet.

Before, he was the type who would put crayon stains on top of the mountains, and drove people around him mad. As he rolls around with a michievous laugh, dirty stares of anger would instantly turn into snickering laughter of joy as they watched him having the time of his life.

Before, he would try to enjoy the life he has been leading as though human beings were meant to be perfect,in a sense where thoughtfulness and humility is the only way of life.

Before, he would gather the scents of all the aromatic kindness and warmth around him, as if nature is impenetrable from misdeeds and evil intentions of his own kind.

And then, realization struck, and all of those wonderful thoughts were scattered out like birds fleeing for their lives from an inferno rising out of the crevice, where dragons and monsters resides.

As he grows older, he now foresees the actions a man should take while still persist on the hope that life will not turn out to be a nightmare of reckless proportions, and in the end, he will indeed find the answers to life which he has been yearning for all the while.

As he stood toe-to-toe with madness and deceitfulness, he knows exactly what he should do in the face of it all.


He shall remain quiet.

Lights out.....

A lonely walk wont hurt anyone.

A stroll down memory lane wont kill a soul. But as you pass the river of misery and emotions, maybe in the end, you'll see the light that'll guide you to where you want to go.

Delusions may haunt you. Actions may whimsically be executed. In the end, as the light dawns upon you, the reality will give you an earth-shattering shake to your senses and will wake you up from the slumber you are in.

But, how do I know that's where I want to go? Should I ask for directions from others or should I just go with my intuition that is filled with despair and doubt?

You'll have to figure that out yourself.


As I said, a lonely walk wont hurt anyone.

On the brink....

Mentally, I'm exhausted....


I have been working on some things that personally, I am not passionate about. I mean, talk about forcing yourself to be inspired....

And I've also been thinking too much lately on things I'm not really sure about....

Plus a dose of Jarmusch, Gilliam and Dostoevsky doesn't do me any favours either....

I need to get back on the ground...I need to be normal again...I need to do something...Something to get my mind off things...Something that won't stimulate any braincells of mine...

Something....


Now, where did I put my Jackass DVD collection...?

And the list goes on....

This past few months have been great for me. I've been very lucky to have been part of some of the best things that I could only ever dreamed of.

Let's see...

Watch Citizen Kane - check

See The Roots perform live - check

Stash a copy of Brazil in DVD collection - check

Shake Wong Kar Wai's hand - (blank)


Err...Maybe I'm being too optimistic on that last part.

Free Enough...

No one is perfect.

Yup, like it or not, it's the truth.

We all have our dark moments that tarnished the journey of life that we undertook.

Whether in the past, present or maybe in the future, I truly believed that we are not invulnerable from making mistakes.

I don't know about other people, but I certainly have.

I'm not saying I'm proud of the bad things I've done in the past, but I'm not denying it either.

Because like I said, no one is perfect.


But everybody has their own strengths.

Most of us knows what ours are.

Be it brilliance, or be it elegance.

I'm neither the latter nor the former

And I'm not really sure about what mine is.

But one thing I'm sure of, is that I have no problem confessing my imperfections and shortcomings

Because like I said, no one is perfect.


And for that matter, I'd never expected perfection from other people.

Although judgementalism is spreading across the world like a plague, to me, being human is part of a human being's nature. Just be you. Be free to be your own person.


Now that's perfect

What's in store...

Lately, there's a lot of questions running through my mind.

How do you decide?

What is the right thing to do?

When is the right time?

Who would it affect?

Why?


I guess I'll never know until I answer these questions myself.

If this doesnt make any sense, then maybe I need help after all....

Sometimes I wonder, are we really free to make decisions in our lives without thinking about the implications of that decision to the people around us?

A lot of us have this notion that the best way to approach this kind of dilemma is by going with your gut.

Maybe for some people, that could work. Perhaps by following our instincts could be the key in finding what you want in life. That is when our actions are totally pure from all the pretentious causes and motives that lingers within our mind like wiggly earth worms under the ground.

But as I have learned through all the years of my whole existence, maybe that same approach can't be applied by me. Wishful thinking aside, I honestly don't think I have the emotional capacity to do that, knowing the fact that the consequences of my actions will affect others related to the matter in hand.

Because, truthfully, if my guts have a mind of its own, frankly it have shit for brains. Even if I really believe in what I've decided to do, close companions will tell me that I'm on the verge of making a big mistake. And in the end, they were right about it.

So maybe, I need a second to collect my thoughts before I decide on anything that is going to happen in my lfe in the near future.


Or maybe I should just shut up and do something about it.