Being human...

Have you ever, at one point in your life, wonder why you became the person you are today?

You ask yourself, what made you have those idealistic philosophies in life that only you hold, and you wonder why you're the only one who thinks that way.

Or you question yourself, what moulded you into this confined persona that distinctively shows that nature of yourself, that no one can argue that you are you, the person you are, and not somebody posing as somebody else.

You ponder on the facts of your genuine self by selectively or randomly pick traits of your personality that connect you to other human beings. And you analyse every single one of them for answers in discovering why are you fucking yourself over, or in other words, why are you repeating the same mistakes you made over-and over again.

Either way, you'll have the same answer for every single of those questions. It's either, you don't know, or you just don't give a flying fuck, or just plain "I'm just being me". And still you'll keep wondering and searching the real answer.

I am no saint, nor am I a genius. I constantly ask myself these questions throughout my whole existence as a human being. And frankly, the most common conclusion that I come up with is I am a moronic, self-righteous, idiotic, lame-ass prick, which I have to admit, is a conclusion that is not gonna do me any good for the long run. I mean, if I want to be deconstructive of myself, I might as well say "Fuck you" everyday in the mirror each morning before I start my day.


Shit...I just did that this morning.

Spoken silence....

Lock doors as if in jail.
Swirl. Wind. Ripped off. Beat up in the past.
All those checked but never thought of changing my name.

Howled at the moon. Wrote poems.
Turn back over flips, flipped over backwards.

In other words, I’ve been confused.
Fucked up, Scared.
Phony, and Odd.
To a whole lot of people.

Haven’t you…?
In one way or another…?


Anybody else wants to cop out…?

It's been a while since I wrote something. Whether it's on a piece a piece of paper or here in my blog, I've been procrastinating in my writing habits. It's been so long, that I just dont want to even give a title to this entry, because I just want to write without overthinking. A title? That's the least of my worries.

I don't know why I havent been writing for a while. Maybe it's the daily workload, or the internet connection or just plain laziness. I can't tell you exactly why, because the fact of the matter is, don't know why either.

But, come to think of it, maybe complacency has crept up in me. Maybe I felt too comfortable with everything, that I thought one or two weeks of no writing sessions is not a big deal. Complacency does that to you sometime. You become so engulfed in your present state or situation, that you just don' t focus enough on the little things that matters.

I just need to get my shit back together. Then, I'll be fine.


Yes, I'll be fine.

Incapabilities of tracing the time...

Bob Dylan once said, "The times they are a-changin".

I do believe that change is inevitable as time goes by. We morphed into a new realm of being as time goes by. It's just nature taking its course, and its just not right for us to deny change within ourselves.

But, I do understand that it's really hard to embrace change. You know how it's like, whenever you meet your old friends, and start to talk about your other friends.


"Dia dah lain dah.Tak macam dulu.Banyak berubah. Tak best lah lepak ngan dia".

Or

"Dia macam tu jugak. Dari dulu sampai skarang, tak berubah. Cool gila".


To me, you just can't despise another person just because he changed. Change is not necessarily bad. I mean, if a person grew up and become a whole other person, doesn't mean he's not cool, or he's not part of the gang anymore. Maybe he, or she, has a new perspective in life, and a new set of priorities that will in fact be the epitome of his or her existence.

The point is, you can't escape change. Sooner or later, you have to embrace the fact, that like Dylan said, time is changing, and so do you.


The only constant is change. I truly believe it's true.

Shaken (not stirred), Rattle and Roll......

The latest film in the James Bond franchise, Quantum of Solace, opens today, nationwide.

To tell you the truth, I'm not really a Bond fan. In fact, I can't really remember when was the last time I actually watch a Bond movie right from the start until the end. It's either the middle of the movie, or the ending.


But one thing that I anticipate each time a Bond movie is released, is the soundtrack. From the very beginning, every Bond movie has its own signature track that will either signify the impact of the movie, or just be there for the sake of it.

I truly believe a Bond movie is hugely influenced by its theme song. If it sounds good, then it will do wonders for the movie. But if it sucks, well, you know where I'm going with this right?

One of the best theme song from Bond in my opinion is the theme from Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney and Wings. That track kind of lifted James Bond from a streotyped-classic-persona kind of character to a really hard hitting-Sarcastic-kicking ass-taking names kind of spy. I mean, Roger Moore as James Bond? Genius.

Chris Cornell almost pulled it off last time through You Know My Name from Casino Royale. Although it's not magnificient, but it was a decent try and a good song.

I have nothing against the Bond themes post-Roger Moore and Pre-Daniel Craig's reign, but tell me, does anyone remember A-Ha's rendition of the theme from The Living Daylights..?.............No?..........That's exactly what I mean.

To me, a Bond theme should be a timeless...or a classic..or just plain revolutionary. Not just a mediocre, half-assed type of song. A really genuine track that would symbolize a unique character that Bond embodies.


Let's just hope Jack White and Alicia Keys can pull it off this time.

How much further up you can go...

When people ask me, what is the best thing about being in a boarding school, I would say it's the part where I learn how to be independent and respectful.

I mean, of course you have friends, you have your teachers, and you have other things for that matter. But the most satisfying part is when you learn how to surivive by yourself and leaving your "spoilt-bratness" behind. The best thing is, you learn to be humble, as you want to learn on how to live your life by yourself, and at the same time, avoiding the bashing you might get from the seniors if you get too comfortable. Some might call it cowardness, but that's a kind of survival you might encounter in the real world anyway.

But after exiting the school, and entering a new domain in colleges and universities, followed by career life, some might have forgotten how to put those feet back on the ground.

As time goes by, some might be a little bit pompous. Sometimes, intentionally, and sometimes, unintentionally. It's like, every conversation revolves around careers, valued posessions ( cars are number 1 on the list), or even holiday destinations. Comparing on salaries and earnings, or one's importance to the organisations they're working with.

I just hope that one day realization will struck in, that it's better to put your feet on the ground than floating high up in the sky. Because frankly, if you fall from up there, it's gonna hurt big time my friends..


Maybe it's time to wake up. Humility is a good start.

Short and Narrow journey of Maturity...

Most of us have encountered cliche and narrow minded comments from other people. And ironically, most of these people are either your best mates or your closest relatives

I don't know why people still have some stigma on certain things. For example, one of my best friend who is working with the Ministry of Finance always gets this remark from his pals;

"Kerja kat MOF? Boleh lah tolong dapatkan contract ke, tender ke..."

And he's sick of it. It's not like he's the Minister of Finance for crying out loud.

Another friend of mine, who comes from a small kampung in Perak, told me, her fiancee, who hails from KL, always gets this from her friends ;

"Kesian you...tunang you menyewa dengan adik beradik dia ye? nanti lepas kahwin, macam mana...?

And they're sick of that too. What they see as a way of saving money is seen as a low-class act by some people.

Sometimes, I just wonder, why can't they think out of the box once in a while. They're not rednecks, for crying-out loud. They're mostly high class, educated people. What is it that makes their brain triggered that way...?

Me? I used to be immune to it. Just because I was so used to it. I get that almost all the time..with my work, it's either I'm a newscaster or I mingle with celebrities..with my house, they wonder why I live in a low cost flat with one of my mates...and dont get me started on my motorcycle...I get remarks all the time about why I dont have a car...

I just smiled everytime I hear these things.

Once, I was hanging out with my friends when this topic came out. One of them, jokingly(I hope so) said;

"Kenapa ko takde kereta? Kesian nanti awek ko kena amik ko je...tak malu ke?

I told him to shut up, take his words and his car, and shove it.


For once, I snapped. And I'm glad I did.

It's that time of year again....

It's Ramadan again.

I have fond memories during Ramadan. I think everyone has one memorable Ramadan moment in their lifetime. In fact, to be honest, I think everybody deserves one.

I mean, think of it. It doesnt come by often. Ramadan only comes once a year. And it's the Holy Month. You need something to make you remember how meanigful Ramadan is. You have to feel it. Ramadan, to me, is that special.

I used to dislike Ramadan. Not because of the fasting (I love fasting), but because the fact that after Ramadan, is Syawal. And to me, Syawal is the most painful month to live in, because it was suppose to be a happy month. You're suppose to enjoy yourself. You're suppose to embrace the joys and wonders of Aidilfitri.

Well, at that time, without my dad, who had just passed away, Aidilfitri meant nothing to me. No happiness, no joy..nothing. I hated the fact that I have to put on this smile, when deep inside, I was dying. Dying for some more time with my dad.

So I never celebrated Aidilfitri for quite some time. I never bought new clothes, new shoes, nothing. Once, I even wore a raggedy old T-shirt that says "Belia Bagan Datoh" with my sarong to perform the Aidilfitri prayers. I was so anti-celebration back then. I could not wait for Aidilfitri to end.


But that was then. Things change. People change. And so do I. Happy Aidilfitri everybody.

My Dad and I Vol. 5

I was 13.

My dad is the type of guy you call a 'Jack of all trades'. He can do anything.

I mean, he can do everything. He was good in sports. He used to play in state and district tournaments when he was in school. Name the sport, whether it's football, volleyball, takraw, you name it, he knows how to play it.

He was good in arts too. He played the drums and was in a band when he was young. They used to do shows all around Perak. Weddings, Talent shows, they've done it all. Although we don't have any drum set in our house, but I know he still have it in him.

He's really good in writing too. He can write poetry, pantun, all kinds of shit. I once read in his school magazine that he was famously known for his pantun asmara...whatever the hell that means. Everytime we had to go meminang for somebody in the family, guess who took the lead with his verbal jousting and pantuns? Yup..my dad.

But, as for me, I was the opposite of him.I'm not really good in anything. I suck in sports, I can't play music. I'm not really that smart. The things that he could do, I can't. And to be honest, I felt bad for not being able to follow in his footsteps. And that was being good in anything. Sometimes, I just can't help but to wonder if he was ever disappointed at me.

One morning, the two of us went out for breakfast. After a cup coffee, I just popped the question. Seems like a good idea at the time.


Bapak, pernah tak bapak frust sebab I'm not as talented as you?

Huh? Apa punya soalan ni? Apa yang buat kamu pikir macam tu?

Ntahlah. sebab bapak dulu main sports, main drum, but me, satu apa pun tak tau.

Hahahaha....and you've been thinking about this for how long?

I don't know. A long time I guess.

So, what you're trying to say is kamu tak macam bapak, is it?

I guess so. I just don't want to let you down, you know what I mean right pak?

Let me tell you something, semua orang dalam dunia ni ada specialty sendiri. Kalau kamu takde sports punya skill ke, music punya skill ke, or benda-benda lain, it doesn't matter. maybe ada benda lain yang kamu ada, tapi orang lain takde.

Like what?

Heh..you'll just have to figure it out yourself. I can't tell you everything. You're already a man kan...you'll know what to do when the time comes. But I'll tell you one thing that's special about you.

Apa dia pak?

Your ability to think like a grown man amazes me everytime we talk about things. Kamu baru 13 for God's sake..tapi kamu punya pikir, macam orang umur 40..But that's who you are and I'm really proud of you. And you should too.


Bapak, thank you. I am what I am because of you. And I hope I didn't let you down.

In the realms of despair..

People say, when you think too much, you complicate things more than it should've been. You tend to over-analyze about all things, and then you start wonder whether you should be feeling the way you did, or should you just let that feeling slide.

The most complicated things in life are not always that complicated. It is our insecurities that makes it even more hard to comprehend. The best part of life, is when you realize that you are just a mortal, who makes mistakes, and messes up, which is perfectly fine, as that's part of the process of learning through the ropes.

But that's easier said than done. When you've been thinking too much all your life, and no one's there to lead the way, added that your guts have shit for brains, it makes it a whole lot harder to just chill and be calm in the face of any storm that you encounter. In the end, you just ignore any feelings that you have, and just move on.

Maybe that's the way to deal with things. Or maybe not.

Sometimes, I wish my dad was here. He would just make things more clearer. He would always tell me when to think, and when to just let it be. And he'll be pissed if I ever doubted myself in anything for that matter.


If he was here today, he's sure gonna be disappointed.

The time has come..

I still remember when I was a kid, I can't wait to get old. No judgements, no boundaries, no rules. You do something, and it's all you from there.

Time flies. I realize that I am getting old. Because;

You know you're getting old, when your mum calls you, and the main topic is politics..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer to shave your head, rather than to comb your hair..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer your perfume to be Brut, rather than Tommy or DKNY..

You know you're getting old, when occasionally you have those short-term-memory-lapse moments, which results in an abrupt ending to a coversation in hand..

You know you're getting old, when you constantly check on your savings and financial balance, as if your life depend on it..

You know you're getting old, when you prefer to watch Deadliest Catch or Ice Road Truckers on Discovery, rather than anything on MTV..

You know you're getting old, when some kid who looks like she's in primary school called you pakcik, eventhough you wore a rock t-shirt..

You know you're getting old, when you manage to strain your neck or hurt your back, by just a sneeze or a cough..


But come to think of it, getting old is not that bad. In a way, it shows that we've matured.And at the same time, being more consistent in our thoughts and decisions.


At least that's what I told myself. It sounds better that way.

Amphibolic verbs without hesitations....

If we were able to weave dreams and thoughts, and turn it into a glimpse of reality, would it be sufficient to provide the happiness that we hoped for in a lifetime?

If we were able to converge opinions and words, and turn it into a glimmer of hope, would it be enough to furnish euphoric scenarios in this world of diversity?

But if those words are not good enough, or in turn be the source of wrath that might send hopes into oblivion, will we be able to still stand and harbour those aspirations of exaltations in life itself?

And if those utterances and statements is detrimental to those moments, will it be enough to heal those wounded expectations, that might in turn aggravate the patience of others that rely on it?

Sincerity is an option for which human beings are allowed to choose as to answer these inconclusive metaphores. As they say, to err is human and to forgive is divine.

Or maybe keeping your choice of words and expressions limited is the best resolution. Inarticulation might do the trick in comforting the whole debacle caused by optimistic and excessive tittle-tattle.


But as they also say, silence is not a virtue. Patience is.

Laugh it out loud....

I have been told by a lot of people that I have a gift. And they say, I don't have to do anything to show it off. People will just know I have that gift.

They say I have the gift of making people laugh.

Quite interesting isn't it? But I kind of noticed that too. I don't have to say anything funny, people will laugh by just looking at me. I'll just do my thing, whether it's just talking or just a stare, and the next thing I know, I'll have them in stitches. Without any intention of being funny, I actually came across as a hilarious guy. Sometimes, in conversations or discussions with friends, there's always a huge laugh right after I'm done talking. And all I did, was just talk and saying something that was on my mind.

Strange yet amusing, right?

One friend has a very interesting way of describing how funny I was. He said, if I was to enter a comedy contest, I don't have to crack a joke or even say word when I got up on stage. Just stand there, be still, and I'll end up winning the whole thing. Although it's quite flattering to hear that kind of compliment, but still there's a sense of awkwardness when I heard that.

To some, they might take that as an insult or feel disrespected. But I'm ok with it. I mean, I dont feel disrespected or anything. But still, if it happens too frequently, it's gets a little uncomfortable. It's like, once in a while, a little bit of...you know...like...err...acknowledgement...is very much welcomed too.

But, hey, a gift is a gift. I should be thankful I guess. It's much better making people laugh rather than making people mad. At least when they laugh, they're happy. If it makes them happy, then good for them. I'm kind of used to being laughed at anyway.


Who knows, maybe one day, I'll be laughing too.

Nerves of steel or complacency in disguise....

Is it our nature as human beings, to act as though we knew enough about humanity, that we have the audacity to look down and laugh at others?

Do we think we're good enough to say that although our life has been blessed with all the ingredients to make it better, that we have the gumption to question, why are we the deserted ones?

For once, we should look in the mirror of thoughts, and recognize the facts that we are the lucky ones, and try not to be cynical or critical about the lives of others as we are not that complete either.


Maybe for once, we could use a little bit of humility in times like these.

Traces of memories...

I have a cousin who I used to look up to because of his cool character and his achievements in life. He's one of those few who has it all. Great job, good salary, a happy family...everything. And lucky me, I was his favourite cousin.

Although he's much older than me, but still, since I was a kid, we always managed to have great and fun conversations. He's like the brother I never had. He makes it a point to drop by at my house everytime he went back to see his family. And the fact that my mom took care of him when he was a kid, makes our bond a lot more stronger.

When I was 19, he once told me;

You know, if anyone told you that you are special, just take that as a compliment and move on. Jangan cepat bangga diri and jadi megah. Sebab the truth is, we are nothing compared to the billions of stars and planets that God created around us. Bukan maknanya you can't feel good about yourself. It's just by thinking of it that way, you'll keep your feet on the ground.

I don't really understand what he meant when he said that. But I just smiled and nodded as if I understand every word he said. I looked at him, and I knew his train of thoughts is just making circles in his brain.

As time passes by, we kind of lost contact with each other. I didn't keep in touch with him and neither did he. What I heard from my mom, is he had a string of bad luck. Lost his job, problems with his marriage and all sorts of bad thing that you could think of. I felt sorry for him when I heard that, so I decided to give him a call, just to see how he was doing.


I'm ok lah. Sapa suruh call?

Mana ada sapa-sapa suruh call. Saja call, tanya khabar.

Hmm...thanks.

Look, I'm sorry if it's a bad time...

No lah..hey, ingat tak last time, when I told you about that special and stars thing tak?

Yeah..kenapa?

Masa tu, ko tak paham pun what I'm trying to say right?

Lebih kuranglah. But now I do.

It's good that you remembered. Because I forgot about that. And look what happened to me.

No lah...jangan cakap macam tu. Everyone has their ups and downs.

It's true you know..? And you know what makes me more sad....? That's the best advice anyone has ever given to me. I preached it to everyone I know. And I blew it because I forgot about it. You know who gave me that advice tak?

Sapa?

Your dad. He's a good man. I really look up to him. He's the only one that believed in me besides your mom, and I let him down.

Don't look at it that way lah... One day, you'll get back on your feet and you'll be just fine.

Hehehehe...

What?

You know what, you sounded just like him. That's good. The world needs more people like you and him.


I'm thankful enough if I turn out to be half the man my dad was. To be described in the same league as he is, that's an honour.

Pother alert...

I have to admit, I have this tendency of driving people around me crazy. I don't know why, but I realize that my actions or my words can sometime irritate and annoy the hell out of people.

To tell you the truth, I'm really not doing it on purpose. It's just sometimes, the fact that I want everything to be ok, simply affect the way people look and perceived your approach towards certain things. And to make things even worse, I don't even realize that I'm doing it.

Maybe I should use my brain a lot more often so that I won't screw up that much. The thing that makes me more mad about myself, is that I kept pushing for some space that people want for themselves, and I forgot the most important thing is to let people be. Not bugging them with the hope that all things will be alright and all that. My guess is, excessive optimism and agathism is just not good for you and the people around you.

I guess, I should just shut up, stop nagging and bugging people. I've pushed people away from me all my life with my constant insecurities and complexities, and I don't want it to happen again. It's just time to be quiet and be still.


Chill. And everything's gonna be alright. Maybe that's the best way to deal with things.

Not again....

First of all, I don't wanna sound like I'm being political or anything.

But the thing is, with all the ruckus that has been going on, I just don't know what to believe anymore. It's like 1997-1999 all over again. I still remember those days. Economic crisis, political turmoil, and all kinds of shit. And with what's been happening these past few months, is just like a blast from the past. Dejavu. or whatever you may call it.

Eventhough I was still a kid at the time, but I can still remember how chaotic the situation is. In my school, it was like, teachers became rebel leaders, newspapers were selling like hotcakes, and everyone has their own conspiracy theories. Even us, the students. Some of us were so caught up in it, that we even skipped class to just hang out in the library to check what's in the news. As for me, I stashed a copy of The Asian Renaissance under my bed for no obvious reason.

As the scenario that is occuring now is kind of similar to what happened back then, I only wish for one thing.


I just want all of it to stop. Because to me, all of it, is just getting out of hand and really, makes no sense at all.

Almost losing the plot...

For a while I was sailing.

I was so high up in the clouds, I forgot to look down for a moment and just breathe the air that hoovers below. I didn't truly distinguish on the realities and possibilities anymore. As if I'm entering a new dimension of self-fabricating optimism, which could jeopardize the whole realm of wonders that I'm experiencing.

Maybe it's been a while since I've had such exhilarating junctures, that I've been blinded by figments of my own mirage created by my hidden cravings for a more stupendous existence.

In other words, I should just keep my feet on the ground while enjoying these moments. As once I lost sight of what really matters, I'll become a hazard to myself and to everybody else around me for that matter.

As Tagore once stated;

It is our desires that limit the scope of our self-realisation, hinder our extension of consciousness, setting up disunion and arrogance of exclusiveness, and give rise to an attitude of life which takes for granted that our goal is finite, that our self is the ultimate truth, and that we are not all essentially one but exist each for his own separate individual existence.

One step at a time. No rush, no harm.


I truly believe everything's gonna be just fine.

Dispensable Eventualities...

Is it possible that a man's passion can be ripped of him because of the repercussions of the tasks he pursued?

Is it possible for an ambition to be torn apart because of some humility presented by the owner of that dream?

Is it possible that a desire to succeed can be turned into an antagonistic twist-of-faith by the insecurities rewarded from the truth that resided in an unshameful manner?

Is it possible for a will to live the dream be shattered by a sombre mood of egoistical proportions?

Is it possible?

Is it?

Because I really don't wanna know the answers for I'm not budging from anything yet. Besides, I have something to look forward to everyday, and I have something to live for now, and I intent to embark that journey without any doubts or hesitations.


I'm living for something now. And it's getting more and more worth it every single day.

The Beat lives on...

True definition of the beat generation.




Kerouac, youre the man...

Underrated antics....

I think I have come to terms that I might underestimate the importance of having some time on my own.

For the past 4-5 years, I could hardly remember when I really had the chance to take an annual leave, or even unpaid, just to take my mind off things. Well, except Hari Raya of course...

I mean, it's not that I dont like taking holidays or go on vacations. It's just....weird. I dont know. At that time, I used to think, what can I do if I take one day off..? sleep? go somewhere?or maybe just work...?

But now, after all these years, I just think I truly under-materialize my own time for the sake of compensating those lost times...you know what I mean?

Gibran once said;

How amazing time is, and how amazing we are. Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration.Yesterday we complained of time and feared it, but today we love and embrace it. Indeed, we have begun to perceive its purposes and characteristics, and to comprehend its secrets and enigmas.


You got that right, G....!

Halt at the gates of contentment...

As human beings, we have the tendency to take a back seat on everything.

We just let nature take its course. Without knowing the fact, that by thinking and by following our own honest conscience , things would be different if we do something about it. But as the same time, we argued that every nooks and cranny in our minds have been explored in search of the answers. We were arrogant enough to believe that our decisions are made based on facts, not on some passion-filled trip towards insanity, and we blame everything else for that matter.

But on the contrary, we are just going around in circles, looking for a sanctuary. For our minds to just not think of it anymore.

And as time passes by, I abhor the fact that I used to have that notion in me all the time. As if, I'm so into my own depression that I somehow felt at home with all the ruckus and gloom inside of me.

But, it just took me one miraculous moment to reap the sense of living my life again. Moment of pondering emotions that took me into a leap of faith, which concludes that I too, can live and be more that I want to be.

No more excessive rationalizing. Just thoughts. Rational, clear and honest thoughts. And right now, I see things more clearer than it had ever been.


Thank God for that miracle.

My Dad and I Vol.4

I was 8.

Whenever my dad met or hang out with his friends, I noticed that he never talked about his work. While his buddies were busy talking about ranks, positions, office politics, and their job descriptions, he just sat there, smiled or laughed occasionally and just kept quiet while listening for most of the time.

He only joined in the conversation whenever the topics switched to something else. Family and children were his favourite subjects.

One day, while on our way back from a regular stall we frequently visited for a cup of coffee with some of his mates, I asked him about this.


Kenapa bapak tak pernah sembang pasal kerja bapak dengan member-member bapak?

Kerja? Ntahlah. Nak buat apa cerita pun.

Takdelah. Macam diorang beriya bercerita pasal kerja, kenapa bapak tak join sekali?

Kalau nak cerita pasal kerja ni, sampai bila pun tak habis tau. Lagipun bapak kerja biasa je. Bukan ada apa boleh eksyen pun…heh…Bapak lagi suka cerita pasal anak-anak bapak.

Tapi anak-anak bapak pun biasa je.

Sapa cakap? Kamu tau, my best achievement in life is kamu dengan kakak kamu tau. Promise me you will never think otherwise.


I promise bapak. Thank you for making a hard and bad day seems good and worth living after all.

The time has come..

Waiting is an integral part of life which seems to be taken for granted by most of us.

Some of us just loathe waiting. We just don’t have the time nor patience to deal with it. As if, we would be better off doing something more rewarding than waste the moments by hoping for the waiting to end.

Hoping. Waiting.

It’s the same kind of thing.

But let me tell you something. When you have been waiting all your life for something great to happen, and it materializes, the feeling is just indescribable. It’s like you never saw it coming, but at the same time you never kept your head down. Just praying for the best.

One of my prayers has been answered. And it’s the best thing and the best feeling that has ever occurred to me. As of right now, I intent to make good of it for the rest of the journey.

I would be a fool and a total moron to fuck it all up.

Even Cypress Hill wouldn't want to be a rockstar anymore...

I’m not trying to be a prick or anything, but with the recent increase of, let’s just say everything, I can’t help but to feel how lucky I am.

Maybe you’re asking why.

I mean, let’s look at it this way. While some (not all) of my friends who used to laugh at me because I don’t have a car, are scratching their heads over the price of fuel to fill up their tanks, I on the other hand can still feel comfortable with forking up just fifteen bucks a week for a full tank of petrol for my scooter.

I do feel bad about the increase, as many people will have to suffer from the consequences. But as far as it goes for me, I’m still thankful.

To some of my teachers who once said that having big cars is the is the sign that you have made it in life, and that you don’t have to worry about anything anymore when that time comes, you might want to think back about what you said.

I bet you’re scratching your heads too cikgu.

Pay attention to nothing..

Some people just don't know when to stop.

Look, I can understand when someone brags about what they have. Posessions. For instance, if they have a big car, or live in a big house, or they have a well-paying job, I mean I could understand where they're coming from if they decided to boast about those things.

But, a while back, a few of my friends took it to another level. We were talking about the our studying days when the shit hits the fan.


A: Korang tak tau, aku dulu hidup susah tau. Nak makan pun takde duit.

B: Beb, takleh lawan gua. Gua dulu tak pernah dapat makan nasi. Hari-hari makan roti canai je. Punyalah takde duit.

C: Tu lah. Tapi dulu aku lagi susah. Nak buat assignment, nak bayar sewa rumah, semua guna duit loan. Tak pernah mintak kat mak bapak aku.

A: Budak-budak lain tak macam kita. Hidup senang.


And it goes on, and on. For almost two hours. Things like, who eats the least, who had to beg for coins, who had to steal...that sort of thing. I just smiled and looked at them. I just listened to what they had to say.

And then I realize, these guys were bragging. But not about what they have. It's about what they dont have.. about who had the most difficult time during college days. I know it's different, but still, they were really full of themselves when they talked about it.

I understand that when you have nothing much, you make the most out of what you have. You tend to remember those things because that's what make you who you are today.

But not to the point where you feel you're better than everybody else because you've gone through some hard times or anything else for that matter. To me, that's just silly.

I dont know. Maybe these guys just ran out of topics to talk about. So, might as well talk about something like that.


That's why I like to listen. It is so much more entertaining.

My Dad and I Vol. 3

I was 12.

My dad used to have this wallet that he had been using for as long as I know. It was so worn out, that infact, it no longer has a shape of a proper wallet. More like an old piece of leather folded up in two.

Once, my sis and I had planned to buy him a new wallet for his birthday. But mom told us to forget about it as she have tried before, but to no avail.

One day, I watched him getting ready for work. While he put his wallet in his backpocket, he noticed that I've been looking at him for the past 15 minutes or so.


Kenapa ni? Semacam je tengok bapak..Something wrong with my hair?

Tak. Just terpikir, kenapa bapak tak nak tukar wallet tu ye? Kan dah koyak benda tu?

Hmm...it's a man thing...a real man..hehehe...

Eh, what do you mean?

Takdelah, Wallet ni pun mak kamu yang belikan. When someone macam mak kamu, who means a lot to me, bought me something, I'll make sure I'll use the thing sampai hancur berderai..heh..

Ok but, yang real man tu macam mana pak?

You really wanna know ye...?

Yes.

Well, sampai satu masa, you put the interest of your loved ones above yours. And if they're happy, that alone will make your day. And you don't need anything else dah pun. Masa tu, you're a real man.

Not even a new wallet pak?

Yes. Bapak prefer belikan kamu, kakak, ngan mak something new rather than I buy something for myself.

Tapi kenapa?

Sebab bapak lagi sayang kamu semua lebih dari bapak sayang diri sendiri. Bapak rasa that's what makes a man, a real man.


Thanks bapak. For the time and wisdom. I'll keep that in mind for the rest of my life.

Lost track of time..

Working late at night and having no sleep for more than 24 hours will make some of us go insane in a very slow and remote manner.

But, when, you have been doing it for almost the entire existence of your career, you'll kind of get used to it and further more, it'll sometimes drag you into this world where the only thing that matters to you is coffee, cigarettes, your monitor's contrast and brightness, mouse-sensitivity, keyboard-reliability and the toilet.

Nothing else make sense anymore.

But when all those burdens have been completed, when all the work is done, you'll encounter another problem.

Trouble in getting some shut eye.


Deadlines. They suck.

Reinvigorated being....

I went back to Ipoh for the weekend. Just wanted to see my family as I wanted to spend more time with them.

And every night, after everybody has gone to sleep, it gave me more time to reflect upon certain things that really need to be contemplated.

I've forgotten how good it felt just being alone at night outside my house with a glass of kopi Che Nah and puffing away a few sticks of Sampoerna Menthol Cigarettes, while thinking and waiting, what will happen and transpire in the near future. You know, what's in store...that kind of thing...

I mean, you need that kind of atmosphere once in a while right? Just you, and your thoughts wandering away.

And now that I'm back, I realize something.


Today is a brand new day. And right now, I'm extremely happy and excited.

I don't get it either....

Considering the fact that I've been writing more often lately than I used to, I should have anticipated that sooner or later, this writing frenzy of mine would come to a screeching halt anytime soon.

I mean, I'm not really good with words. The fact that I couldn't stay focus on relaying a message that I've been thinking about in my head is one of the few examples that I might be expecting a drought of ideas in the long run. It's like, it's there but it's not there.

Get it?

No? ok fine. That's not the point.

The thing is, constantly reprising ideas is not really a good way of conveying your thoughts on paper/blog or whatever. Spontaneity is sometimes the key to express those thoughts that would in turn spark imaginations and also ignite sombre feelings. Right?

Wait....

That's not the point either..


See, I told you I'm not good with words....

Not that Panglossian..

A few days ago, another year has been added to my age.

That means, I have now reached the same age as my dad when he already has a 3 year old daughter and also, I officially have three more years to go before I reach the mid point of the sixth stage in Erikson's Theory of Psychosocial Development.

Another year, another story, same old-but slightly grown me.

Most people would ask;

So, what will you do next?

What's your plan?

What do you have in mind for the future?

Honestly, I dont know what I'll do. Because I haven't figure it out completely yet. I mean, I've thought about the main things, but, you know, not the details.

Basically, yeah, I havent really thought through about what I will do next. But I'm excited about doing it.

That should count, right? I mean, I think that's how life should be.


Exciting.

My Dad and I Vol. 2

I was 15.

My dad picked up the phone that evening. It's been 6 months since I last saw him, so it was great to talk to my dad once in a while because I know I can talk to him about anything, as we always consider ourselves not only as father and son, but also as the best of friends.

We talked about a lot of things throughout the conversation. We bandied stories about school, my mom and my sis. And as we chatted, I could hear the sound of his lighter, as he lit up his cigarettes, one after another.


So, life ok? ada girlfriend?

Mana ada pak. Kenapa ke situ pulak?

Mana lah tau...Teenagers...kot-kot ada someone special...

Takdelah. Takde lagi..heh...

Alah...come on...you can tell me...Bapak tak bagitau mak punya....

Eh, takde lah pak. Betul...

Heh..ok. I believe you. Tapi janji ngan bapak satu benda boleh?

Boleh. Apa dia?

Nanti bila kamu dah jumpa that special person, send my regards to her, ok?


At that time I thought he was joking. So, I never took it seriously. A few later, he was gone. And I never recalled about the promise ever since.

But it all came back to me recently. And come to think of it, although he joked around most of the time, he also meant every single word that he ever said,no matter how silly or absurd those things are.


Maybe one day, I'll deliver on that promise. I just hope that it's not too late.

Yes, it is indeed a fact that bullshit walks...

I couldnt sleep after Subuh the other day as I used to, and I thought, while I'm up, I might as well start the day with some tv to kill some time before I'm off to work.

And on the telly that morning was this motivational kind of programme for kids and teenagers, which the speaker, who happens to be a motivation specialist, talked about how to improve life and academic excellence, all of those things in that matter.

I watched it that morning, just for the sake of it. And this motivational speaker, a Doctor to be exact, was going on and on, about life, about family, ambition and all sorts of things. But what got my attention was his thoughts about choosing your friends.


Kalau kita nak berjaya, mestilah kita berkawan dengan orang yang dah berjaya dan orang-orang yang pandai. Barulah kita pun boleh sama-sama berjaya.

Tapi kalau kita asyik berkawan dengan orang-orang yang tak berjaya, orang-orang yang tak berapa pandai, contohnya penoreh getah ke, nelayan ke, pemungut sampah ke, kejayaan tu takkan sampai pada kita. Sebab kelompok rakan atau kenalan kita semuanya tak mencapai kejayaan. Secara tak langsung kita pun takkan berjaya.


Wait, that does not make sense, doesnt it?

I think the last thing we want in this world is another generation of snobs and elitists. Because in my opinion, we already have plenty of that to deal with now, every single day.

I mean, if every morning a motivational specialist could come up with such bullshit for the kids, I wonder what will happen to them in the long run.


What a way to start the day.

Ordinary people...

My housemate always suggested that I am a film snob, which I beg to differ actually. He always complain about my DVD collection, which he said is full of absurd titles. But he has no other choice but to borrow from me when he's out of DVDs to watch.


Pinjam DVD baru boleh?

Ambiklah. ada kat dalam bilik tu.

Ada cerita apa? Hang mesti beli cerita mengarut kan?

Mana ada. Cerita biasa lah.

Tolonglah met. Bagi lah aku pinjam cerita yang boleh terima akal sikit. Ni asyik cerita tahpapa hang beli.

Kan aku ada Jackass trilogi tu..

Tu aku dah tengok. Cerita lain, cerita biasa?

Hang nak cerita apa?

Cerita normal yang fun...yang lelaki normal suka tengok. Cerita yang tak perlu daya berfikir. Cerita yang....

Err....porn?

Heh...you read my mind....Now you're talking....


I guess I'm normal after all.

Do we really need this kind of stuff....?

This is a true story. And I swear I am not making this up. You might think I did, because I couldn't believe it myself.

I was having my nescafe the other day. It was a sunny day. No signs of rain whatsoever. The place was almost filled with people that day. Luckily, I got my seat and proceeded to read my newspaper while enjoying a glass of nescafe ais.

As I flipped through the pages, I noticed a girl was walking up the stairs . She looked kinda cheerful. Maybe it's because of the weather. She sat at the table behind me. Moments later, a guy, followed suit, with two plates of nasi kandar and took a seat next to her.

Suddenly, the girl cried. She was sobbing continuosly.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop on them or anything. But because of the table's positions, it just made it harder for me not to listen,no matter how hard I try because they were so close behind me. I could tell the guy was really confused about the whole thing.


Kenapa nangis ni?

Sampai hati awak buat saya macam ni....

Apa saya dah buat?

Awak fikirlah sendiri....

Cakaplah....saya ada buat salah ke? Janganlah macam ni....

Awaklah....

Saya?

Ye lah...sampai hati awak ambik nasi je...Papadom mana? Takkan saya nak pegi amik sendiri pulak....


I was dumbfounded.

All that drama just for papadoms...??


God help us all.

Conversations with Mom Vol. 3

Talked to my mom recently. And as always, she never fails to crack me up.


Mak, mak pernah dengar lauk nama upor tak?

Ada. Lauk jawa tu. Kenapa? Kamu nak makan?

Takdelah. Saja tanya.

Mak pun tak reti sangat masaknya. Tapi bolehlah jugak mak masak.

Eh, takpelah mak.

Ngape? Kamu cakap je nak makan apa. Nanti mak masakkan lah....

Err...lasagna mak boleh masak?

Apa dia?

Lasagna.

Kamu lupa ke? Kan haritu mak dah cakap, kalau nak nyebutnya pun mak tak reti, masaknya lagi mak tak tau....


I should keep that in mind next time.

Feels better...

One of the most difficult things to do in life, for me, is starting over.

I mean, it's like you're living in a dark hole. You get used to the obscurities around you. It's cold, comfortable, and dull.

But then, as time goes by, you realize that you're just sick of it. You just had to be somewhere else at the time. You search for a way out, but you just couldnt find it. Because, you're stuck, and you just dont know how to crawl out of that hell hole anymore.

At that time, all you need is just some light. A tiny, shiny, glimmer of light that will just guide you out of that slump. Things will become much more clearer, and you'll figure out which way to go. As you reach the end of it, you're free, and you do not want to be detached from the light anymore.


I think I've found my light. All I need to do now is just find my way to the end of it.


I just hope it'll still be shining.

Auspicious thoughts....

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about possibilities. You know, the phase when you think of the next move that you're going to make in your life.

And honestly, sometimes I just cant help to think that I may not even make it through the day.


But I still remember the day when my dad and me went fishing together. I was 14 at the time, and I had just gone through some disciplinary action at school for smoking.

We talked about a lot of things, but I still remember one particular thing that he said to me.

Kamu tau, whatever it is, I'm just happy you experienced all this masa kamu tgh budak lagi. You know why? Because I know you'll learn from this and I know my son will be a better man than he was meant to be.


I also remember the day when my mom and me were having breakfast together at a stall near our house. I was 18 at the time, and I was waiting for my SPM results.

We talked about a lot of things, but I still remember one particular thing that she said to me.

Teruk mcm mana pun keputusan kamu nanti, mak tak kisah. Kamu tau sebab apa? Sebab mak tau anak mak lagi pandai jaga diri, berbanding anak orang lain yang resultnya lagi bagus dari kamu.


And I still remember the day when my sister and me were having dinner at home one night. I was 23, and just got a job in KL.

We talked about a lot of things, but I still remember one thing that she said to me.

Dont worry too much. I'm sure you're gonna do just fine. You know why? Because I know, you are smarter than those wannabe jocks out there, who doesnt even know how to tie their own shoelaces.


I still remember those days.


Maybe I'll make it through the day after all.

I can see it myself.....

Yes.

I have noticed that too.

That most of my latest entries before this were completely bonkers.

Maybe it was just a phase.

You know, that experimenting stage bulls*#t.

But, dont worry.

That's in the past.

I won't be pulling that kind of stunt anymore.


I mean, for now.

Route to nowhere.....

Are we heading towards the right way?

As we gather around in circles of communion, cracks appear without visibility to the human eyes. We ponder the significance of our own existence, without even realizing the need to shine our own light.

Misconstrued as we are, no mortals were born in this world without importance as every one of us are meant to glow our distinctive reason to be here in the first place. We are neither useless nor without dignity. Integrity and humility are main traits that have been put together in creating a living and breathing persona, that is us.

But, everything has coiled into cobwebs of doubt. We have gone against the grains of our nature. We have become a generation of snobs, which we start to judge each other’s incompetence without accepting the fact that we are as incompetent as the person next to us. In fact, our incompetence is merely a sign which makes us an originator of our own style and substance.


Maybe we should look the other way.

Invulnerable.........

He was never this quiet.

Before, he was the type who would put crayon stains on top of the mountains, and drove people around him mad. As he rolls around with a michievous laugh, dirty stares of anger would instantly turn into snickering laughter of joy as they watched him having the time of his life.

Before, he would try to enjoy the life he has been leading as though human beings were meant to be perfect,in a sense where thoughtfulness and humility is the only way of life.

Before, he would gather the scents of all the aromatic kindness and warmth around him, as if nature is impenetrable from misdeeds and evil intentions of his own kind.

And then, realization struck, and all of those wonderful thoughts were scattered out like birds fleeing for their lives from an inferno rising out of the crevice, where dragons and monsters resides.

As he grows older, he now foresees the actions a man should take while still persist on the hope that life will not turn out to be a nightmare of reckless proportions, and in the end, he will indeed find the answers to life which he has been yearning for all the while.

As he stood toe-to-toe with madness and deceitfulness, he knows exactly what he should do in the face of it all.


He shall remain quiet.

Lights out.....

A lonely walk wont hurt anyone.

A stroll down memory lane wont kill a soul. But as you pass the river of misery and emotions, maybe in the end, you'll see the light that'll guide you to where you want to go.

Delusions may haunt you. Actions may whimsically be executed. In the end, as the light dawns upon you, the reality will give you an earth-shattering shake to your senses and will wake you up from the slumber you are in.

But, how do I know that's where I want to go? Should I ask for directions from others or should I just go with my intuition that is filled with despair and doubt?

You'll have to figure that out yourself.


As I said, a lonely walk wont hurt anyone.

On the brink....

Mentally, I'm exhausted....


I have been working on some things that personally, I am not passionate about. I mean, talk about forcing yourself to be inspired....

And I've also been thinking too much lately on things I'm not really sure about....

Plus a dose of Jarmusch, Gilliam and Dostoevsky doesn't do me any favours either....

I need to get back on the ground...I need to be normal again...I need to do something...Something to get my mind off things...Something that won't stimulate any braincells of mine...

Something....


Now, where did I put my Jackass DVD collection...?

And the list goes on....

This past few months have been great for me. I've been very lucky to have been part of some of the best things that I could only ever dreamed of.

Let's see...

Watch Citizen Kane - check

See The Roots perform live - check

Stash a copy of Brazil in DVD collection - check

Shake Wong Kar Wai's hand - (blank)


Err...Maybe I'm being too optimistic on that last part.

Free Enough...

No one is perfect.

Yup, like it or not, it's the truth.

We all have our dark moments that tarnished the journey of life that we undertook.

Whether in the past, present or maybe in the future, I truly believed that we are not invulnerable from making mistakes.

I don't know about other people, but I certainly have.

I'm not saying I'm proud of the bad things I've done in the past, but I'm not denying it either.

Because like I said, no one is perfect.


But everybody has their own strengths.

Most of us knows what ours are.

Be it brilliance, or be it elegance.

I'm neither the latter nor the former

And I'm not really sure about what mine is.

But one thing I'm sure of, is that I have no problem confessing my imperfections and shortcomings

Because like I said, no one is perfect.


And for that matter, I'd never expected perfection from other people.

Although judgementalism is spreading across the world like a plague, to me, being human is part of a human being's nature. Just be you. Be free to be your own person.


Now that's perfect

Converse in a foreign but local manner....

I once had a conversation with a friend a while back. As we were reminiscing about our wretched life over a glass of nescafe, my friend suddenly came to a conclusion.


Games, man....It's all about how you play it....

What games?

Met, naivety won't take you anywhere. Don't act like you don't know.

No, I dont.

You don't know, or you don't wanna know?

Maybe I dont wanna know.

It's the game people play lah met. Kat mana-mana pun sama je. Politics, business, relationships...it's all about how you play the game.

But what's the point?

To get what you want.

Kenapa takleh straight forward je?

It's just the way it goes. Lagipun, where's the fun in it kalau straight forward? Besides, boring lah kalau takde game.

Boring?

Yup, boring. Takde challenge, takde sweating in your pants, takde adrenaline rush. People will think you're boring lah...


Me? Boring?

Please, tell me something else that I don't already know.

Mumble in the Jungle....

I was once told that one of my favourite phrase that I frequently use in conversations or writing is "make sense".

I don't know why I love to use that phrase but I use it quite often. Maybe because I have this tendency to make sense of all things that happens around me. Things that happen for no reason is something that I just can't fathom. Because although some things happen for no reason, still, it does happen for a reason.

I'm not making sense, am I?

Look, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe that means sometimes, you just have to roll with it. Go with the flow. It doesn't have to make sense everytime it happens. If it happens, it happens. I mean, as I grow older, I realize that maybe some thing are not meant to be understood by us, mere mortals.

"And then what?", you might ask....


I dont know either. Let's just wait and see, shall we...?

What's in store...

Lately, there's a lot of questions running through my mind.

How do you decide?

What is the right thing to do?

When is the right time?

Who would it affect?

Why?


I guess I'll never know until I answer these questions myself.

He's got a point too....

I got a reality check from a good friend of mine recently.


Ko tau tak apa masalah ko met?

Apa dia?

You overthink about all things. Kalau benda tu susah, takpelah. Tapi benda senang, buat apa nak jadikan susah...?

Memanglah, tapi aku kena fikir jugak consequences kat org lain.

Habis bila ko nak pikir pasal ko?

Bila aku rasa apa yang aku nak buat tu takde implication kat orang lain lah.

Oh, macam tu. Oklah. aku bagi contoh ye. Kalau aku terajang ko sekarang, ko nak pikir apa? Ko pikir ko sakit ke, atau ko nak pikir kaki aku yang sakit...?


Is that a trick question?

My niece and Me Vol. 1

My niece will be 5 years old this year. She's smart, adorable, funny and sarcastic, all at the same time. She calls me maman, which is her slang for paman, a javanese term for uncle.

Yes folks, I have no qualms about admitting my ethnicity. I'm Javanese.

But that's not the point. I don't know why but I have this weird feeling that my sister has been secretly teaching my niece on how to make me feel miserable.

Case in point: Telephone conversation ( 5th March 2008)


Maman tengah buat apa?

Maman tengah minum.

Maman minum dengan sapa?

Maman gi minum sorang-sorang lah.

Kenapa maman suka pegi minum sorang-sorang?

Saja je. Kenapa?

Tak best lah minum sorang-sorang.

Kenapa pulak tak best?

Sebab kalau duduk sorang-sorang, nanti orang cakap kita macam orang gila.


Is it just me, or am I right about my sister?

If this doesnt make any sense, then maybe I need help after all....

Sometimes I wonder, are we really free to make decisions in our lives without thinking about the implications of that decision to the people around us?

A lot of us have this notion that the best way to approach this kind of dilemma is by going with your gut.

Maybe for some people, that could work. Perhaps by following our instincts could be the key in finding what you want in life. That is when our actions are totally pure from all the pretentious causes and motives that lingers within our mind like wiggly earth worms under the ground.

But as I have learned through all the years of my whole existence, maybe that same approach can't be applied by me. Wishful thinking aside, I honestly don't think I have the emotional capacity to do that, knowing the fact that the consequences of my actions will affect others related to the matter in hand.

Because, truthfully, if my guts have a mind of its own, frankly it have shit for brains. Even if I really believe in what I've decided to do, close companions will tell me that I'm on the verge of making a big mistake. And in the end, they were right about it.

So maybe, I need a second to collect my thoughts before I decide on anything that is going to happen in my lfe in the near future.


Or maybe I should just shut up and do something about it.

A delicate matter to answer...

Exactly a week ago, when millions of people were celebrating love that day, a friend of mine called me and asked one simple question.


Ko rasa, lagu apa yang the ultimate love song?

Susah nak jawab tu. Kenapa?

Aku nak dedicate kat awek aku.

Lagu omputih ke, lagu Melayu?

Tak kisah lah. Ko rasa apa yg best ek?


I couldn't give him an answer at the time. Maybe I was spoilt for choices.

Or maybe I'm not qualified to answer that question.

But, between you and me, I'll definitely put this one on top of my list.




Say what you want about the man. But this joint is hot,yo!

Is is just me...or is this really happening...?

I was on my way to work the other day, and as usual, traffic was like hell on earth. Cars were piling up on the road like there's no tomorrow. Not to mention the antics of our 'typical' Malaysian drivers. It was chaos.

Suddenly, I heard a loud crash. It was an old man on a motorcycle, being hit by a car. A Volvo to be exact. There were all sorts of things scattered on the road. Maybe it was the old man's belongings.

Me and a couple of other guys quickly rushed to this old main aid. We picked him up and guided him to the side. A few other guys helped pick his motorcyle and things up from the road. It's obvious the old man was in a state of shock. And with a few cuts and bruises on his hands and knees.

While we were attending to the injured man, the car that hit him drove by and the driver rolled down his window.


Lain kali, tengok jalan lah. Kalau rempit tu, rempit jugak. Menyusahkan orang je korang yang naik motor ni.


Then, just like that, he vanished from our sights. We were dumbfounded from what had just transpired.

Later when I got to the office, it got me thinking. What has happen to some of us...?

Some people have the luxury of driving in fancy cars without worrying about the weather.But does that give them the right to degrade and insult everybody else? even an old man who is old enough to be your granddad?


Do me favour....Wake me up when this nightmare ends.

Conversations with Mom Vol. 2

I love talking to my mom. Every time we talk on the phone, it will make my day. We talked, we laugh about all sorts of things. And today was no exception. After my sister was done talking, she was next.


Kamu cakap apa dengan kakak tadi?

Takde apa-apa. Kenapa?

Berabuk je cakap omputih. Mesti ada apa-apa ni...

Takde lah mak. Ngape? mak nak cakap orang putih?

Kamu ingat mak tak tau cakap English? I'm your mother, you know....

Yes, I know. Ok, what are you cooking today mother?

Oh, I am going to cook...err...err...ikan bilis apa dalam omputih....

Err...ntah mak.

Jap...haa... I want to cook shambal aikan bailish....


That's why I love my mom.

Rationalization with Kakak Vol. 2

I talked to my sister just now. Sometimes I think, she called just to see, how long can I be patient with her. Just to test my nerves


Pukul berapa balik keje?

Don't know yet.

Have plans after that?

No. kenapa tanya yang bukan-bukan ni?

I'm worried about you.

About me? why?

Because you're a 27 year old man who looks 10 years older and you like to be alone. You tell me, why shouldn't I be worried..


My sister and her brutal jokes.

My Dad and I Vol. 1

I still remember that day.

I was 10. My dad just brought home his new car. An old 2nd hand Peugeot that he traded with his Toyota. My mom was really bugging out at that time because his Toyota was still in good condition. To compare that car with this Peugeot is like night and day. But he just smiled. From the look in his eyes, I knew at that moment, he's the happiest guy in the world.

He looked at me and smiled.


Nak ikut bapak jalan-jalan?

Nak.

Pegi cakap kat mak kita keluar kejap.


I ran back into the house and told my mom. I ran back as fast as I can to my dad and jumped in his new car.

We drove around Ipoh town that evening. My dad was wearing the biggest smile I've ever seen.

Then, he turned on the radio.

The sound was so foreign to me. But in a unique way, I kinda enjoyed it and at the same time confused. My dad noticed the weird look on my face.


Sedap tak lagu ni?

Ni lagu apa pak?

Sadao Watanabe.

Sapa tu?

Orang Jepun. Dia main lagu jazz.

Jazz tu muzik apa? Bunyi dia pelik ye?

One day, bila kamu dah besar nanti, you'll understand what jazz is. And bila kamu dah matured nanti, you'll appreciate it more. I have a feeling that you will.

Ye ke? macam mana bapak tau?

Sebab kamu anak bapak. And I know my son will grow up be one smart, matured man. Sebab sekarang, he already is.


That was the proudest moment in my entire life. Until today, nothing can ever top that.


I hope I didn't let him down.

Quote,Unquote....

I love to watch movies. Except I don't go to the cinema to watch them. Instead, I buy DVD's and watch them at home.

If you're like me, you'll have those favourite movie lines that'll stick in your head, fully or just some part of it.

A few ago, AFI (The American Film Institute) has come up with its list of 100 memorable quotes in Cinema. I kinda agree with its their choice of top quotes, but I have my favourites of my own. Here is my list of top / favourite movie lines / quotes, in no particular order.

1. No, Shit does not happen. Shit takes time. Shit takes effort.
- Elmo McElroy (Samuel L. Jackson) in The 51st State, 2002.

2. Don't be a guy, be a man. The world is full of guys.
- Corey Flood (Lily Taylor) in Say Anything, 1989.

3. No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
- John Keating ( Robin Williams) in Dead Poets Society, 1989.

4. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
- Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey) in The Usual Suspects, 1995.

5. Cigarettes and coffee, man, that's a combination.
- Iggy Pop (as Himself) in Coffee and Cigarettes, 2003.

6. Life does not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit!
- Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) in The Big Lebowski, 1998.

7. I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises.
- Rob Gordon (John Cusack) in High Fidelity, 2000.

8. The only constant is change.
- Dan Dunne (Ryan Gosling) in Half Nelson, 2006.

9. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
- Rob Gordon (John Cusack) in High Fidelity, 2000.

10. You say 'I love you.' What do you want?written instructions?
- Joe Reaves (Anthony LaPaglia) in Empire Records, 1995.

11. This... is Miles Davis and John Coltrane. Stockholm. 1963... two masters of freedom, playing in a time before their art was corrupted by a zillion cocktail lounge performers who destroyed the legacy of the only American artform - JAZZ
- Chad (Todd Louiso) in Jerry Maguire, 1996.

12. It's the one that says bad motherfucker.
- Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) in Pulp Fiction, 1994.

13. I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right in the babymaker.
- Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) in Anchorman:The Legend of Rob Burgundy, 2004.

14. I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard.
- Seth Gecko (George Clooney) in From Dusk Till Dawn, 1996.

15. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid.
- Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor) in Trainspotting, 1996.

16. Of course. What kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
- John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) in Constantine, 2005.

17. The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money
- Mark (Peter Sarsgaard) in Garden State, 2004.

18. I'm constitutionally incapable of making eye-contact with a woman I don't know.
- Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 2004.

19. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.
- Bob Harris (Bill Murray) in Lost in Translation, 2003.

20. You see, the guy I am now is not the guy I was then. If the guy I was then met the guy I am now he'd beat the shit out of me. Those are the facts.
- Stevo (Mathew Lillard) in SLC Punk!, 1998.

I know that some of the movies mentioned above are not everyone's cup of tea. But hey, it's my list isn't it?

At least, these are the ones that stick in my head.

Better something than nothing.

It's better to stay on the ground...

I think, of all the values and qualities that a person have or might have, the most underrated trait is humility.

Why?

Because there's a lot of people out there who thinks that being humble is a sign of not having enough self confidence..or a sign of weakness.

Most of us have something that we can boast or brag about to our friends, relatives or even someone that we just met 5 minutes ago. Believe me, I've met a lot of them.

I'm just not good at bragging. Maybe I've nothing to brag about. I'm not rich, I'm not a genius or an intellectual, I work with a meagre amount of salary, Hell, I can't even drive a car. So, what's there to brag about, right?

But, by being humble and moderate, doesn't mean you're not confident of yourself. Because what's the point of bragging if you can't even honestly prove to yourself about anything that's going on in your life. I always believe that by combining humility and rationality, You can make more sense of your life and anything that revolves around it.

I get a lot of flak from a lot of people because of my "excessive humbleness", as perceived by a lot of my mates.

"Ko ni, merendah diri sangatlah. Konfiden lah sket."

"Ko ni mcm pak angguk. Asyik angguk je."

Yup, I get that a lot.


I'm ok with that. I guess I'm cool with being underrated.


It's better than being overrated.

Conversations with Mom Vol. 1

I was having my nescafe the other day when my mum called. As usual, we talked, and talked, until she asked a very favourite question of hers;


Kenapa kamu tak keluar? Kan hari minggu ni?

Nak keluar pun tak tau nak pegi mana.

Keluarlah. Orang bujang tak keluar hari minggu...pelik...

Apa yang pelik....? Biasalah ni mak. Lagipun kalau keluar, takde aktiviti pun...

Ha'ah ye...Lupa pulak mak. Kamu nak mengorat pun tak reti, ye tak...?


Now I remember where my sister got that cruel sense of humour from...

Rationalization with Kakak Vol. 1

It's kinda late to talk about the new year. We're already at the start of the 2nd month of 2008.

So, I guess we could skip that part.


Yesterday was my sister's birthday. So as always, I gave her a call.


Kak, Happy birthday.

thanks dut. where are you?

Opis...

Oh, are you busy? I wanna ask your opinion...

What about....?

Life...

Me? advice you on life....? kak, im your younger brother. you should know better about that than me....

Oh, yeah. I always forgot about that..Maybe it's the face thing..you know. you have the wrinkles and all....

That's not nice...

Well then, it's 8 pm and you're all alone at the office. maybe you should start being younger, don't you think....?


Yes Folks, my sister always have a strange sense of humour.